Six months

[Emz2014]

Im a bit of a blue Peter fix it gal myself - I'm a demon with the sticky back plastic! 

A clothes hook has been held in the back of the spare bedroom door for years now, successfully just jammed in with blue tack (the hole was too big)  :-D.  And many years ago when I was living alone I put up a small mirror - couldnt find a hammer so I started with a trainer, which didnt work, so used a metal staple gun to hit the nails in, and what people didnt know was that there were 3 nails (incorrect ones too apparently) behind the mirror, 2 went in too wonky and I couldn't get them back out again.  But hey, the mirror was hung - where there's a will there's a way!     (the mirror has since been replaced with a bigger mirror, which is hung correctly)

I can cook, I can craft, I can bodge but diy is definitely not one of my skills lol! xx

[Karena]

I relocated my washing line today which involved tree climbing.(and possibly might annoy the pesky neighbours ) 

[Julie Magson]

Well let's hope so!    But be careful out there!

[Hubby]

Hi all. Thanks for the replies

I'm not really that good at DIY. I just plod along and make it up as I go. I do get the job done eventually but it's slow going.

I didn't get online last night and TBH I can't remember much of what I did do. I know I did a few more hours on the cladding but then it's a blank.

Today I got up and went for some shopping. I hadn't got any last week and we had run out if just about everything. I pushed my full trolley to the checkout and started unloading it then realised I didn't take my wallet with me. 

After getting my wallet and doing the shop again I did some more cladding. I've finished a wall but the other wall is crumbling so I have to get a plasterer in to make it solid enough to clad so that jobs stopped. My youngest came in with my grandson and her bloke so I made a madras and had a few enjoyable hours playing. I feel a lot better than I did during the week and haven't cried today.

Tomorrow I'm back in work again so I am hoping to get back to some normality at least during the day.

Take care

[Hubby]

I finally remembered something I did on Saturday. We all went to a carvery to celebrate my, olivers and the mother in laws birthdays. How I forgot that I don't know. 

Today hasn't been too bad. It looks like work is the key to keeping me from slipping back but I have weeks of leave to take before the year end. I might just let it go.

Work was s bit slack this morning so I busied myself around the depot tidying up which led to me doing probably the most disgusting job I have ever had to do in twenty five years. Suffice to say that some people are animals.

At lunch time I took some money I had collected in work to a local children's hospice but before I could get anything to eat my boss rang and I got all involved in a major fault. By the time I got home I was starving.

I did tea and made a salad for tomorrow for me and my youngest. When I took it next door to her house there was nobody in. She turned up st nine and told me that little Ollie has Ben in hospital. He's had another febrile convulsion, his second one. Poor little fella. I'm really worried about him.

I'm in bed now hoping to get a better sleep than last night. I only had about three hours as I was worried that the latest setback might spill over into work but I needn't have.

Worry really is a useless emotion. I've always wondered what purpose it serves. If something is going to happen then worrying about it will make no difference. If it doesn't happen then it has been a waste of time. 

[Emz2014]

Hope little Ollie is ok 

Worry is a hard one isnt it.  Difficulty is our brains like to try to predict the future/what's going to happen - it's our brains job to keep us safe.  Our imagination is strong and we use it to imagine the different scenarios,  all trying to predict how something will be or go.  It's a natural use of our brain but worry can so easily get out of hand or we scare ourselves with imagined scenarios.  I find this phrase helps me:

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment

As soon as I find myself worrying too much, I consciously tell myself to stop and think of that phrase.  If there's something I can do towards stopping the worry (something practical)  I will, otherwise I tell myself that worrying is not going to change and then focus on relaxing

Hope your day goes well xx

[Karena]

Emz is right,but I also find I worry more than ever before,I guess I have very few people left to lose and that plays a part,but also sometimes its difficult to find a distraction from it,maybe worrying is a distraction from grief, but also like me you have been shoved into the role of head of house,the buck stops here,and its pretty scary especially if there is no one to re assure or even discuss stuff with.
I hope Ollie will be OK, My eldest grandson had really bad fits for a few years,but now at 12,he is not on meds and apart from some absences no fits.He plays rugby, rides a bike  does OK at school and does all the normal kid stuff.that boys love to scare their family with.The other 3 boys all have had issues that have driven me mad with worry occasionally I try to focus on things I can do to help them and their parents and try to come up with practical solutions where I can but it doesn't always work.

[Hubby]

Thanks again for the replies.

I am worrying a lot lately. I never used to worry about anything until about ten years ago. It might be something that comes with age.

Today was a normal day in work, no real problems. Unfortunately I got a bit upset on the drive home and I think I went through a speed camera a bit too fast while thinking about Margaret. That's something to worry about because work is having a big safety blitz on driving and there are rumours of people being sacked for speeding. That may sound a bit harsh for going a few miles an hour over the limit but that's the way our managers are at the moment. I'll just have to wait and see.

When I got home I had forgotten that I had contacted British Gas over a quote to replace my 30 year old back boiler. I had to take the surveyor all round the house which was embarrasing as its a complete tip. Before I knew it I had signed up for the work to be done in January. I know I could have got a lower price elsewhere but I just want it done without any hassle. I worry that it's a bad decision but I can live with it if it is.

Little Ollie has a cold or something which is probably responsible for the high temperature that caused the fit. That is a worry. My eldest had febrile convulsions when she was a tot and she went on to have epilepsy which put an abrupt end to her work prospects. It's a terrible shame as she has a law degree and was just about to start her legal practice course to become a solicitor. The college of law couldn't accommodate her disability (but they did keep the £4,000 deposit she paid on the course).

It may be that the convulsions had nothing to do with the epilepsy she now has. Her first fit was when a 'boyfriend' slipped her some drugs without her knowledge. I still worry for little Ollie though.

Anyway enough worries. I've been upset today but not cried. Compared to last week it's much better. I must try to stay more focused on things though and not allow my thoughts to force their way in.

Take care

[Hubby]

It's nearly 4:30am. I can't sleep. Since Sunday I have only had about four hours. It's affecting my ability to think straight.

Earlier I turned over in bed and said "I'm so tired" before raising my arm to put it around Margaret and realising she's not there and never will be again. How could I forget losing her after 8 1/2 months? It's like losing her all over again. I've also been on the internet looking up hanging again.

I've emailed my boss asking for the rest of the week off on leave. I think I've had enough sick leave this year. Now I'm going to call the Samaritans again.

This is really hard. 

[Emz2014]

Oh hubby  this rollercoaster is so horrid.  The lack of sleep is bound to be making it harder too.

You're doing so well, you've just hit one of the bumps/lows on the journey.   You have us all here when you need us and remember your grandson. Use the support like the samaritans whenever you need, this horrid phase will get easier, only look for temporary solutions.  Those easier days will come again, be gentle with yourself.       it won't be easy but try to eat well, give your body the nutrients it needs to help you through this emotional challenge

Sending a big hug.    and saving a proper hug for you for one of the meet ups xx

[Julie Magson]

Hello Hubby. How do you feel this morning? You sound to have really hit the troughs last night. It's hard- especially at that time of the morning. You've had good days though so you know they are possible and there, somehow, probably in seeing little Ollie's face.   

[Karena]

 :hug:I can  see why you would be worried,but inherited epilepsy is fairly rare.such a shame your daughters career has been ruined by it,that's very unfair.
I hope you are feeling a bit better now,sleepless nights are awful and sadly part of the course,And its not just the nights they create brain fog in my case make me really forgetful so functioning during the day is also impaired.

I still rely on 4 or 5 hours a night and i know its not enough and not healthy but i cant force myself to sleep.Rather than lie there with a head full of negative thoughts i find it helps to read,In the early days the dog got dragged out for walks at some very odd hours,even this last summer i,ve been sat in the garden at ridiculous o clock.It used to be TV but I,m trying to kick that now.

As the others have said keep spending time with Ollie as much as you can get as he does seem to be your ray of light.

You have climbed out of the pit a little way before and you can do it again,each time you do , you gain a little more strength climb a little further and the falls back down become a little less severe.

[Hubby]

Thanks all. It means a lot that you took the time to reply.

Last night was very hard. I rang the Samaritans and the first time they were busy. I got through on the second attempt but the person on the other end told me it was a bad line and they could hardly hear me, probably because I was trying not to wake my daughter, so I ended the call. Thankfully I then got really tied and fell asleep.

I woke after about four hours and couldn't get back to sleep so I checked with my boss how much leave I have left. After this week I have 9 days so I'll be using that up rather than going off sick again.

I went to counselling and the counsellor pointed out the glaringly obvious thing I had failed to notice. Three months ago I had my dosage of Prozac halfed with a mind to coming off them. I managed quite well on that dose. Six weeks ago I stated taking one tablet every two days. It takes a while for any dosage change to kick in with Prozac because of the way it works. The counsellor said she noticed I seemed to be going downhill a month ago and have got worse so it could be the effects of cutting the dose that's knocking me backwards. Couple with the triggers last week it has been the perfect storm.

I made an appointment with my GP and explained to him and he has put me back on the full dose to build up the levels again. Hopefully I will then be able to sleep and get back to work.

After that I went to The local shop and met a friend we went to his house and had a cuppa and then took our dogs for a very long walk. Far better than sitting  in the house.

My youngest has heard I am off work and wants me to have Ollie in Friday again so that's a bit of happy time to look forward to. My eldest made my tea which was also a nice surprise.

I'm hoping I've got a handle on the situation and maybe can get back to where I was.

Take care all and Thank you again. 

[Julie Magson]

Wow- that really makes sense re the Prozac Hubby. I also managed to get myself down to half a tablet (citalopram) every other day 2 years ago, but am now back up to 2 tablets a day to help.  Was thinking about you yesterday. 

[Emz2014]

Its also difficult that when you start to cut down some antidepressants the side effects they cause when coming off/reducing is often incredibly similar to depression symptoms and can make it feel the depression has come back/makes it harder to do

When I first tried coming off my tablets I ended up off sick as I felt so unwell. Second time i was able to approach/manage the side effects better.  In the end I had a rough couple of weeks and after that improved again

  xx