Six months

[Brian71]

Good to hear today was reasonable Hubby.

Last few days have not been too bad for me either,  I did have a little cry this evening.  I was watching a drama on BBC2 called Miss Potter,  it was about Beatrice Potter's life, and very good it was too.  It was the sort of thing Ann would have thoroughly enjoyed as she loved these sort of factual based drama's especially drama's like this one, as we visited Hill Top farm,  Beatrice Potters home in the Lake District a couple years ago.  So just thinking about it started me off.

[Hubby]

There are hundreds of things out there ready to set us off Brian. It's like negotiating a minefield where absolutely anything could be a mine.

I was messed about a bit in work today. I could have got more done if left to my own devices but it kept me busy and stopped me thinking too much. I did have a forgetful moment and had to go back into work to put something right. It really was something pretty basic so I guess my mind must have been elsewhere.

I've had a few weird symptoms today as well. Bad Pains in my calf, dizzy spells and a bout of tunnel vision. I think it might be the tail end of the flu I had. My youngest had it st the same time and she says she still has weird bouts.

I have done a lot of talking to Margaret today in down time between jobs. Strangely I had a comforting feeling that she was with me. I did get upset just once and shed a few tears but it was over in seconds. I'm not sure what to make of that.

[Karena]

  It makes perfect sense to me that in talking to her and drawing her close and by being comforted by the feeling of that closeness,the distress of the emptiness normally experienced is not so intense.

[Hubby]

Sounds about right to me Karena. I can talk to her for quite some time now. It always ends in tears but there is definitely comfort there.

Today was another average day. I didn't sleep too well last night and slept through five alarm and was late for work, nobody noticed, I came home, had tea. I did have my monthly appointment with the doctor which has become pretty routine now.

"How are you?"

"Ups and downs doc"

Then a bit of random chat followed by

"See you next month"

I've had a few cries since coming home. All following the 'conversations' I mentioned. I don't think there's a way to end those conversations feeling happy. Certainly not for me.

[Karena]

 :hug:its still very early days.I wouldn't say the conversations don't end happy but more with a feeling of sad longing rather than tears.But with people who knew him,sometimes we end up !laughing at a memory ,or something along the lines of can you imagine what Keith would have said, in some situation and then smiling in remembering and knowing what he would have said.

[Hubby]

Thanks Karena. I do have the happy memories with my family and people who knew Margaret. It's when I am talking to Margaret, when I'm alone, that it ends with me getting upset. I have started to get comfort from talking to her and find myself doing it more and more. Unfortunately I get to feeling so comfortable it is as if she is actually there, just out of sight. It's when I realise she isn't that I get upset.

I spoke to my counsellor today about it and she seemed to think that it's not a good thing to be doing and that I should limit how much I do it and try not to make it s habit and I tend to agree. When I came home from work this afternoon my daughter was out. I was making myself something to eat and found myself calling to Margaret asking her if she wanted a cake as if she was in the living room which was extremely upsetting when I realised what I had done.

I think it's normal to talk to the person you have lost but not to excess as I seem to have started doing over the past few days

Work was OK today, I only slept through three alarms. I've had a couple of cries but I havnt really had much to keep me busy and my mind distracted. I did manage to get home early and went out with billy for an hour but I couldn't be bothered cooking so it was microwave meals for tea.

I'd say today was a bit down from an average day but not so bad I would class it as a setback.

[Karena]

 :hug:I think maybe its one of the stages of grief.For a long time I automatically made two cups of coffee every time I boiled the kettle.When I moved here I hung his dressing gown up on the back of the door and made myself up a little story in which he was working abroad and I was more than put out that he had left me all the moving to do.

[Julie Magson]

I think we need to do whatever makes us feel some comfort Hubby. If deep down you know it's upsetting you talking to Margaret then maybe it's wrong for you but if you get comfort from it then I don't see how it can be wrong (but then I'm not an expert apart from being in the same position) I talk to Alan but only in my head and when I want to ask him to help me find something or to be cross with him for leaving me in all this do-do!

[Hubby]

I do that Karena. I try to pretend Margaret has popped out to the shops or she's in another room. It works for a short while. Like you Julie also sometimes get angry and shout at her for leaving me. From my time on this site I can see that even though we each grieve in our own way and at our own pace there are a lot of common, or normal, experiences.

I think it is right that we have to get some comfort where we can but this conversation thing is a bit of a balancing act and I think the comfort I get from talking to Margaret is sometimes outweighed by the upset that follows it.

I've had a mixed day today. A busy morning but not a lot to do this afternoon. I did get stuck in a traffic jam and had a bit of a talk to Margaret, followed by a bit of a cry, while I was sitting there. I went to my aunts house after work. While driving home from her house the local radio station I had tuned to was on. Unlike radio four that I normally listen to they were playing music and this set me off. I was driving in the rain in floods of tears. I had to pull over for a while to get myself together.

After that I have been pretty much OK. I'm in work at 6 tomorrow so I'm hoping I can get to sleep fairly quickly now.

Hope you all have decent days tomorrow

[Julie Magson]

You too Hubby- it is strange how there are common experiences in grief and then personal ones isn't it?

[Karena]

We are all different people, different background,culture,situation,so there are always going to be differences but there is this commonality too. I think we see it here because no-where else in our lives do we have these conversations, but also just when you think you really lost the plot and youre going mad you put it down here and some-one recognises themselves or their own similar experiences, so you realise you are not losing it,which was something that really made a big difference to me.

[Julie Magson]

Yes me too KarenaX

[Hubby]

Thanks for the replies. We're all different yet all the same.

Yesterday I had a really long day in work. I was meant to be going out for a drink with my workmates but got home late and was very tired. I got changed to go out but then burst out crying, it just seemed wrong, so I had an early night and went out like a light.

Today I was all set to go to Birmingham for the day and had a short job to do in work. Unfortunately the short job turned into a longer one and I never made it. I got home later and I've had a bit if a lazy day. About the only thing I have done us go out and get some materials for some work I'm doing next week and swept the path. Even tea was ordered in.

I didn't cry today until I was looking through some texts for something. I scrolled back too far and there was a text to my aunt saying "can't come today, Margaret is in hospital, it's pretty serious". You can imagine the effect that had. 

[Hubby]

Bad day already today.

It's the day of the party Margaret had started arranging for her mothers 80th birthday. Her mother found out about it and said she didn't want a party so it was rearranged as a party for my daughters engagement.

If Margaret were here she would be running around now arranging and coordinating everything and would get herself ready just in time to be at the venue in a new frock welcoming everybody. She would be the life and soul of the party and would be absolutely exhausted when it finished. I can just picture her sat on the sofa in a posh frock with her comfy old slippers on.

Today my eldest is doing the running round.

Me, I'm crying. Non-stop for the past three hours. The whole range from whimpering to full on, face scrunched up, snot blowing, shouting out loud. This is too hard. It's not only the last thing Margaret started arranging but also a day where she would have shone. How can I possibly go there and face people without her?

[Julie Magson]

Oh Hubby  I hope you can face it even for a short time- there will be people you know and vice versa- easy for me to say I know.