Six months

[Hubby]

Thanks for all the thoughts.

I've not been offered a flu jab for a few years. I used to get letters but never went. I guess they got fed up with me. I also have to be careful about over the counter medicines. I work on the railway and there is a very strict drug and alcohol policy. All medicines have to be declared and cleared by a chemist service.

I slept really well last night but I woke up this morning soaking wet. I dragged myself to work and stopped aff IT maccies after doing the little job for breakfast. I then parked overlooking the river to eat it where I had a big if a cry.

On getting home I really didn't feel like doing much but I planted up a few containers in the garden while billy played with his ball. When I finished and called him in he was covered in mud from head to toe so I had to bath him. He does not like baths so I have to put a muzzle on him. He tore it up when I took it off him.

Then back to work to close down the worksite and home again to cook steak for tea. I watched telly then having another cry while I went through some pictures.

My symptoms are nowhere near as bad as they were last night. I'm putting that den to the miraculous medicinal properties of Tennesee whisky.

[Karena]

I,m afraid your cure wouldn't work for me .If I got past the smell which isn't likely I,d be comatosed for a week.
Someone did give me a sip of a spiced rum last weekend.Now that (watered down considerably with warm ginger wine ) I would imagine to be a very reasonable anti man flue tonic, maybe I should get some in just in case .

[Brian71]

maybe you should Karena...lol  Yes I can imagine a drop of JD would help Hubby.    I class myself as being tea total, because I drink very little, other than perhaps the odd pint of shandy occasionally.

At the first sign of man flu symptoms,  I'll take a small glass of single malt before going to bed....seems to work for me.  Though I do have the flu jabs,   as our surgery keeps pestering me every year.   Apparently the more jabs they hand out,  so they reach targets, the more they get paid.  (not convinced the jabs work though)

[Hubby]

Thanks for the replies.

Just a quick one tonight as I don't think my cure worked. I feel terrible and have done all day.

I didn't get online yesterday. After work I was going to go to the grave with my daughter but my grandson had a febrile convulsion and ended up in hospital so it was a bit of a panic around the house.

I woke this morning and felt absolutely terrible but went to work. It has got worse through the day and I have a hedache like I have never had in my life. I'm hoping to get s full nights sleep and get to work tomorrow as I don't like the thought of moping around the house without Margaret yo look after me.

I've had a few tearful moments over the two days but, and this will sound terrible, I seem to be too ill to mourn most of the time. All I can think about is how rotten I feel. I feel really guilty about that.

[Karena]

  hope the little one is OK .
Its tempting to try and carry on through illness just because the idea of sucombing and taking the time needed to rest feels more daunting than keeping going and busy,I  have done it myself plenty of times and in the end it caught up with me .If you don't look after yourself and help your body fight it a 48 hour manflue can end up being much worse than it need have been.Even if you insist on working through it try and feed your immune system.

[Hubby]

Thanks Karena.

Little Ollie is still a bit under the weather but he's laughing and playing now. My eldest had febrile convulsions when she was little. They are scary to see but they are just the body reacting to overheating. He'll probably have more when he's I'll but should grow out if them.

I had a bit of a rocky start this morning but my symptoms have almost all gone apart from the tiredness. It was a long day in work again but no crying. I feel really guilty that I haven't been grieving as much over the past few days. Being ill and Ollie going to hospital has probably kept my mind occupied so I haven't really had time to sit and reflect which is when I get really upset. There will probably be a rebound when I do have some down time but it just feels wrong to me at the moment if that makes sense.

Hope you all have good days this week

[Emz2014]

I think that's a normal part of grief, feeling guilty if we aren't grieving as much as we were.  But that's normal.  We can't continue to grieve at the same level, we would be truly exhausted (those early stages often are exhausting), when we aren't grieving as much it doesn't mean our love has lessened or that we care any less. It just means we are coping. We can continue to think of our loved ones every day, and in a way which suits us weave them into our lives. (to inspire us to do something, that they would be proud of etc)

You are certainly not disrespecting your memories or loved ones if you are coping better. That is totally normal.  Your love cannot be taken away by anyone and that will still have a fire alive in your heart.  If you don't cry or don't have a bad day, that's OK. The only thing that's changed (or changing) is your grief journey. Your love with Margaret can never be diminished  xx

[Hubby]

Thanks emz.

I had counselling this afternoon and brought up the guilt thing. I actually thought I was getting somewhere and could see improvements. Toward the end of the session though I started to get upset and the counsellor could see I was fighting it. She asked if I wanted to stay till it had passed but I said I would be OK. I got to the end of the street and broke down crying right I the middle of the city centre. I hate he way people stare at you when that happens.

When I got myself together I decided to get a card for my daughters birthday tomorrow. Back in my van I filled it in. I was doing well then I got to the 'from' bit. It looks so wrong just putting dad on it. Took me thirty minutes to get over that one.

When I got home I had to and he dog to the vets for his boosters. Sitting in the waiting room I remembered that Margaret had been with me every time billy has been there in the past. Cue another fit of wailing and a well meaning lady asking if my dog was being put down!

I guess that next wave has hit.

[pennyking]

Sending hugs.  Couselling is designed to help you deal with your grieve.   Yes it makes you brake down again and again, but in the long term it will help.  Nothing gets easier overnight it takes a long time.  Don't be hard on yourself.  Penny x

[Julie Magson]

Aw Hubby- I know what you mean both about card and your little dog.

[Hubby]

Thanks for the replies.

I'm having quite a weepy night.

My day was pretty uneventful. Work, a bit of shopping, I had tea at an aunts house as my daughter went out with her boyfriend for a birthday meal. When they came back my youngest came round with my grandson for a while which was nice.

She told me she had popped to the cemetery to check on the grave as we hadn't gone as planed on Sunday and I can't go there alone. The grave was beginning to look quite neat, the grass seed she had planted was growing well and I had even cut it a few times with hand shears. Apparently it doesn't look neat anymore, there has been a burial in the grave next to it and the gravediggers had just dumped the soil on Margarets grave. The grass is wrecked  and the grave has sunk with the weight of all the soil. I am livid, surely they could have put the soil onto the neglected grave in the other side instead of one that is obviously new and tended.

I've been quite upset since hearing that and had a few cries but trying to answer another post in here really got me thinking about the future and what I have lost and turned out to be the trigger for the big release. I feel a bit better now after the release.

Hope you all have good days

[Brian71]

Sorry to hear about the grave Hubby,  I agree that's not good at all,  something like that would start me off too.
That post you refer, also got me thinking a little too much also, I suppose my only consolation is the fact compared to some, my future lasted a bit longer,  but now it's ended,  an existence yes...but a future...no.
Today was a low day for me as well for some reason.   Hopefully the rest of the week will pick up for all of us.

[mike59]

At  one point in time Gail ( my Wife) we used to look after some of our family graves, many time they messed one or another graves up somtimes breaking little angels and things, I actually used to watch them and they are not very careful, sorry hubby you had to go through that its not nice. like you say Brian we are all feeling low and reading somtimes on hear makes you and definately Me Cry my eyes out dont know if its the time of year or how we can realate in a more intense way who knows,I know I cant look ahead at the moment I take each day as it comes, the trouble I feel if anyone shows me kindness or I see somthing thats sad or touches my Heart I absolutely Loose it Floods of tears and my recovery seems to be harder its a more intense feeling, if I won the lottery tomorrow to be honest I couldnt care less, I must be ill lol, anyways thats my bit done hope you All are having better days.


                                                                                                                                        Mike x

[Hubby]

Thanks guys. I'm with both of you on he feeling that nothing is worth getting excited about anymore. There just doesn't seem much point to anything. 

I didn't get online last night. I had a pretty normal day, work, but of shopping, tea, telly. I set if fir bed early but got really upset got some reason and cried for ages.

Today I went to work in the morning then came home, my daughter went out with her boyfriend and I stayed in and got myself upset again. As the house was empty I was able to do s bit if loud wailing and shouting which made me feel a bit better. I then had to go back to work and got stuck in a massive tragic jam caused by people going to see fireworks.

I've spent most of the evening trying to comfort billy who is still terrified despot being doped up on Valium. I've come to bed now as I'm back in work tomorrow.

Have s good Sunday 

[Hubby]

I've had a few big crys today but only myself to blame.

I went to work for a short while this morning and had a coffee in the way home then decided to go to the grave. I had promised myself not to go alone but thought I might not be too upset. I was wrong. There's something about being there unaccompanied that really messes with my head.

After that I went home and downloaded all the photos on my iPhone to my PC. there were over a thousand of them. Mainly work but also photos of holidays, last Christmas. Etc etc. As you can imagine looking through them set me off again.

My youngest then took me to the grave again and it was OK. I spent most of the time bouncing around with my grandson on my shoulders listening to him laughing. I then had to go back to work for half an hour before I went with my daughter, her fiancée and little Ollie to a garden centre. It was brilliant swing little Ollies face light up looking at the Christmas things. At one point I got to thinking how much Margaret would have loved being there and it was very hard to stop the tears but I managed it somehow. We all came home and I cooked tea.

So a mixed day but, for a change, the good memories of it outweigh the bad.