Four days

[Hubby]

Today's (well yesterday's technically) update.

Another sleep without a tablet. That's six days now and I think I have managed to get out of the habit of using them now so that's a positive thing.

Bit of a miserable day weather wise so I was a bit stuck for things to do. Fortunately two of my bosses called down and we went out fora coffee to discuss a return to work strategy. I'm signed off for another fortnight but they seem amenable to a phased return after that to suit me whether that be to work days for a while or even just the odd day to start off. I am really lucky that my employers are so understanding.

I came home and did the tea then cleaned up the got really upset for no apparent reason. I've come to expect that and, in a way, I'm pleased when it happens because I can have my cry and get it out if my system till the next time. While I was as still upset I took the dog out and had a good talk to Margaret while I was walking through the park. As nobody can see your tears in the rain I made the best of it. I felt better when I got back in.

Then tonight one of my workmates took me to the depot where I met up with quite a few of the other staff and sat in on a briefing. We then went for a coffee at macdonalds and he dropped me off at home hence the late hour.

Time for sleep.

[Soleil]

Hi Hubby,

Good for you. I'm glad you have understanding employers it can make a huge difference to keep pressure off. It will be a rocky road but you sound like you're on your way. Sending hugs to you. This is the weekend the BUK meets somewhere, I am a little jealous but I am so far away from them here in Canada. I hope they have a great time. Our chat mates will be reduced this weekend.  Take care of yourself Hubby.  sending a hug. 

[Hubby]

Cheers johmac.

I would have liked to have popped to the BUK meet up for a few hours (I get free train travel) but couldn't arrange someone to be with my daughter early enough.

I've had another mixed day. I lost a bit of sleep with being late back last night and was still tired when I got up. I had breakfast then a trip out to the local market to get some plants for the containers I bought earlier in the week. I then watched a bit of telly and went back to the market with my youngest and my grandson, Oliver, and bought more plants. The dog went along as well. Then I returned home and both my daughters and myself played with Oliver all afternoon.

I had to go to a local Dunelm to try and get some curtain fixings for my aunt. They didn't have them and I got a bit upset walking round looking because they had lots of things Margaret would have liked if she were still here.

Being a little upset and not feeling like cooking I rang my eldest daughter to ask what she would like for tea from the chippy. I went there on the way back and ordered our tea. As I waited the chinesexgirl behind the counter must have recognised me (I used to stand outside the shop with the dog when Margaret went in) and started talking to me. She asked how my wife was. I was totally unprepared for it but managed to hold my self together while I told her what had happened I got the food and set off home.

It must have been delayed shock or something because as soon as I got in I broke down in tears, one of those 'suddenly hits you' moments. I got it together enough to have tea and the fell asleep on the settee. I woke up about 30 minutes ago still very upset and tired and I've decided to come to bed. I've told my daughter to ask the Samaritans when they ring tonight if they could ring me back tomorrow. I'm so tired.

Hope the BUK meet goes well for those who make it and that everyone has a nice day tomorrow whether there or not.

[Soleil]

Hi Hubby,

I'm on the chat just now and got your reply through my email.  I think it hits hard when someone asks us and we aren't prepared.  I have heard many stories of people out shopping and literally leaving their basket because something triggered and they had to leave. It's all just part of it. Our emotions are so much in control of us that we feel helpless. 

Bye for now,

[mike59]

I Agree totally we are all very temperamental, I know I am someone has to say the slightest thing and Im in Tears the worse thing at the moment, is when someone is Kind to me or show there Affection Instantly Im Tearful or theres a Flood of Tears, the worst Part of all this Is the Loanlieness & Missing our Loved ones. I really hate Coming Home to A Empty House and sometimes when you just sit Alone and you Miss them so much  sorry for Rant.....hope you All Have A Good Weekend

                                                                                                                                                               

[Hubby]

Cheers John and Mike. Hope you both had a good day.

I woke up at about half eight still sobbing. I decided to have an antisocial day and went back to sleep and woke up at 3pm. Guess I don't need those sleeping pills anymore.

All I've done is walk the dog. My daughter and grandkid came round which cheered me up and later the Samaritans rang as they couldn't get through to me last night. I'm just watching a bit of telly now and then to bed. Bit of a wasted day but I've had a few of them over the past 9 weeks.

[Hubby]

Nothing really to report today. Another day of getting up late, moping around and basically doing nothing.

Walked the dog is about it.

I seem to be missing Margaret more than ever.

[Emz2014]

   xx

[mike59]

Found a memory card Today Brought everything back to me not the best day of my Life had Son Home with me all day today But Cried most of the day just couldnt Stop, Missing Gail so much my other 2 Children keep telling me Im doing fine,Having more bad days than good at the moment, Hope you all have better days that me. xx

                                                                                                                                         

[Emz2014]

It is such a rollercoaster, just when you think it may have become steadier, or gently slowly improving, it twists and sends us back down.  But that's normal, it can feel one step forward and two steps back, but you are very slowly getting there.  But in time, it will get steadier, gradually. Try to be kind to yourself.  With great love there comes great loss but that love is still there and one day that will help carry you through your days xx

[Hubby]

Thanks for the replies.

How much easier would this be if it wasn't so unpredictable. I know I must be improving because I'm eating better now and don't need the sleeping pills but the longing and crying seems to be getting worse.

Last night I found my digital camera with pictures on it I had forgotten about which was upsetting. I went through them all hoping I could find a video of Margaret but there werent any. I cried myself to sleep last night and actually woke up crying this morning which is a new thing. Normally I have a few minutes before I cry. After lunch I picked up a bit and went for a walk with the dog to the cemetery. I got a little rose plant in a pot to put on the grave. I had a little cry but didn't feel as low as I have over the weekend.

I came home and did a little bit of gardening, my daughter popped in with my grandson and I played with him then cooked tea. Not too bad now but I'm actually a bit scared of feeling better in case the next low is worse than this one. Does that even make sense? 

[Spaicer]

I know what you mean, its so unpredictable, I feel so low I can bearly bring myself to talk to anyone.  I had to go back to work full time 3 days after Terry's funeral which was 4 months ago now, it doesn't help that I don't enjoy my job.  I was coping ok I thought but now crying a lot again (when I can, I can't cry in front of my autistic son because it frightens him).  We are going to bury Terry's ashes this weekend on a small island where the children were all born & brought up & where we spent 23 years of our marriage, I suppose that's whats behind this backward step.  My autistic son is also asking about 30 times a day why can't dad come back because he misses him, its exhausting trying to keep calm & not get upset.  Fed up of being strong.
I know we have to keep going, theres no alternative but its so rubbish.
Hope you have a better day tomorrow

[mike59]

Hello Hubby I know Just How you Feel,Im still having Problems with tears almost all day again Since Loosing Gail I seem to feel worse and things get me Right down just Lately. Gail had a way of Putting things Safe but Can I find them NOthere are many things I need to find to Remind me of Her which up till now I cannot find anything Very Upsettting, I have a Camera which gail has Hidden that im Desperate to find have been looking for days now without any luck. starting to find it hard to eat properly again, maybe im ready to go see my Doctor again, take care try keep your chin up ....

                                                                                                           thinking of you ....

[Hubby]

Thanks for the replies. I hope you both have at least some bearable time to recover a bit from the grief.

I've actually not had too bad a day. Got up early, took my daughters and one of their friends for breakfast, did a bit of shopping, bit of gardening, long walk with the dog, more gardening and cooked tea all without a tear in sight. Hopefully this break between waves of grief will last a few days but I know another will come and knock me for six again sometime. It's just waiting for something to trigger it off.

[Emz2014]

Great to have some gentler days between     xx