Four days

[longedge]

I dare bet that there isn't one person here who hasn't at some time felt rage welling up inside them. I've managed to vent mine at people I don't know up to now who were probably just bewildered  . I did feel sorry after an altercation I had with a girl on the checkout at Sainsburys and made a point of going back to say sorry and explain I wasn't myself because my wife had died.

Don't let things fester, make an active effort to put things right - just my 2p's worth 

[Hubby]

Thank you all very much for the replies.

I had a horrendous wailing start to the day but I picked up a bit as the day went on. I have spoken to my youngest and we're on better terms now. We've decided they will share the jewellery one Sunday while I stay in another room and play with my grandson.

I've taken the dog out and mowed the lawn and I am feeling a bit more positive now. I was very surprised at how I went downhill so quickly yesterday after feeling I was getting somewhere earlier in the week. I did expect off days but that was such a giant leap backwards. I guess there will be many more of them to come.

Hope you all have good days tomorrow.

[Hubby]

Bit of a so so day today. Cried myself to sleep (with tablet) last night. Got up. Lots of walking with the dog. Trip to the market. Not much else really. My head was a bit of a muddle. Had my weekly call from the Samaritans which has helped me sort my head out a bit. Nothing to report really. Just another day got through. 

[Karena]

  but you got through it,sometimes a not much happened day is exactly what we need .

[Hubby]

Thanks Karena.

I managed to eventually go asleep last night, after my usual cry, without a sleeping pill. My eldest woke me at 8:30 with the news that my grandson had been in hospital all night with a rash and a temperature which caused me to instantly think the worst and have a major meltdown. Eventually I got the news that he was OK and even managed to get back to sleep.

I got up after lunch but it was too hot to do any jobs I had planned. So hot that the dog gave up on his usual walk halfway. I went to the shop then sat watching telly and had another little cry because the house was so quiet. After that I was OK.

Another day got through. 

[Emz2014]

Some progress with sleeping though    all little steps xx

[Hubby]

Thanks Emz

Managed to sleep without a tablet again last night but I have noticed I wake up scared if I don't take them. My heart is racing and I am really on edge. I do eventually calm down but it's not good. 

[Emz2014]

It could be the dreams you are having maybe, that should ease as you get used to sleeping without tablets.  Maybe plan something relaxing for when you wake up to calm yourself? See how it goes xx

[Karena]

 :hug:glad your grandson was OK.I think emz is right sometimes we may not even be aware we were dreaming,Is there a chance it could be not taking the tablet a withdrawal side affect .I find if I wake up scared the light goes on and so does the TV with something benile,I have become a dab hand at switching it off just as I,m dropping off again.Different for you because you have to consider your daughter,but I use the TV as background noise so the house isn't so empty,so it has the same effect when I,m scared in the night.

[Hubby]

Thanks for the replies.

It's in the mornings I wake up scared, not actually scared but the feelings are the same. It was like that this morning and I also got very upset when I eventually got up.

Thinking about it today was tha sort of day Margaret would have loved. She would have been out in the sun till she burnt then back inside like a lobster knocking up a big tea for all the family. I missed her so much I wound myself up but then managed to arrange for myself, two daughters, godson, mother-in-law and dog to go to the grave. We sat there for ages talking and it was very calming. Then we all came home and I ordered pizzas for tea. They have just gone and I am really relaxed. It really is better to do something rather than sit alone because then my head fills with all sorts of stuff.

I'm going to wash up, watch s bit of telly and have an early night, with a tablet tonight, and hopefully I can get up early tomorrow and get something done.

[Emz2014]

I think it does help to try and have a routine, do things and spend time with others    hope you have a restful sleep.  You may find your dreams (whether remembered or not) might be a bit more peaceful since you had time together with others today xx

[Hubby]

Thank you Emz.

I forgot to post yesterday so I'm playing catch up now.

I slept with a pill Sunday night. Got up handy and managed to keep myself busy painting and gardening all day. It was pretty bearable and I rounded the day off with a relaxing bath and my daily cry before an early night.

I didn't take a pill and didn't go to sleep till 5 am. I woke at 7:30 and spent four hours trying to get back to sleep before giving up. I got up to a load of legal stuff in the post which was annoying. I've read through it and have had to contact the land registry to clear some things up. I went to the doctors who recommends I have another month off work and I've also been shopping but I've had a pretty low day so far. The only high point was my grandson coming round. His smile would make anything bearable.

I've got a lot of stuff to read and sign tonight and I think I'll take a sleeping pill but will decide at bedtime.

Hope your all having good days. 

[Emz2014]

Young children can be so good at these times.  My little nephew is a little entertainer in the making and we couldnt help but laugh with him at times, he also gave us focus through the confusion/sadness    in some photos he looks like my dad, so the family resemblance is definitely there, and in a way i find it a comfort, when seeing him with a cheeky grin i can see a spark of my dads nature in him

I also find some comfort that through the impact/influence he had on our lives he lives on in us in a way, and we will continue to pass on his teachings and knowledge too xx

[Hubby]

Thanks Emz. The little fella is a break from the heartache. 

I had my pill last night as a consequence of which I slept till 2 this afternoon. I was a bit weepy but managed to get take the dog out for his walk. That's about all I have done today. I've got to go out later to post a letter but it's another wasted day. I just don't have the motivation to do anything and lots of jobs I have started have been abandoned half way through.

Still it's another day done.

[Emz2014]

I remember karena making a great comment on the other board, how when an animal is injured they take themselves off to a safe place, a cave perhaps, to recuperate/heal.  Some stages in grief is a bit like that.  Being social creatures we need to maintain connections (seeing family, talking, connecting with others etc) but we also need to slow down a bit, allow our injured minds/bodies time and space, just for a while. 

The day may have felt unproductive but remember the things you are still achieving, even though they may seem small.  Getting up, facing the day, walking the dog, preparing/eating food - these are all achievements.  And I would hazard a guess that some of these little things have grown in volume slowly over time - the dog walk may have become slightly easier etc.  All small steps to coping better, no matter how small the step forward, it's a step forward.  Its easy for us to think we havent made any progress, but I think writing things helps us as it captures the moment and I know I've read threads where people have re-read their earlier posts and realise there has been a step forward, however small it may be

Just focus on noticing small progress, whenever the motivation or stamina does strike then do some more but don't berate yourself for not moving too quickly.  All little steps  xx