Six months

[Hubby]

Another lazyish day today.

I went to the cemetery with my daughter this morning with some Christmassy arrangements. That was OK. I did a bit of shopping then some housework when I got home. It's amazing how much fur one tiny Jack Russell can spread round a house in a week.

My daughter, her fiancée and little Ollie came round for their Sunday tea as usual. Curry again (it's easy). I have put lights up in all the windows and decorations. My heart wasn't really in it but I did it for Ollie and he made it all worthwhile with the way he stared in amazement and demanded to be carried from one decoration to the next for closer inspection (and tasting lol) After that I just had a bit of a rest.

I've had a few moments where I have been sad but I kept it together.

A mediocre day.

[Emz2014]

Awww little ones bring the light dont they :-)    I took my nephew and niece to see Santa on Saturday, was so cute :-) xx

[Hubby]

They certainly do Emz. I do feel sorry for the little fella though. He is going to miss out on so much love. I do my best but can't even come close to what Margaret could have done.

It was work today. Timesheet and pottering about the depot. I managed to kit out a container with industrial shelving and move a load of equipment into it so it was quite productive. (I also managed to break the solar lighting I fitted the other week but I will be able to fix it)

On the way home I got the sherry for the local pensioners Christmas dinner. It's in the hall across the road from my house and Margaret used to insist we took two bottles over as it made her happy to see them coming out with a "rosy glow". It became a bit of a tradition and it's one I'd like to keep going.

I also dropped in at my aunts for tea (my daughter had to ping a meal for herself). I had a bit of a lie on the settee when I got in as I didn't sleep to well last night. I have had a little cry but only for a few minutes.

Another bearable day.

[Karena]

Glad things seem to be picking up a bit for you.What a lovely idea with the sherry and a really good idea to keep up that tradition.I think its a really positive way to tackle Xmas,to think in terms of how even though its going to be a struggle for ourselves ,making it better.  for others any way we can .Glad Ollie made it worth the effort with the decorations.

[Hubby]

Thanks Karena. I wasn't too sure about carrying on the sherry thing as Margaret was friends with a lot if them and it might cast a bit of a cloud over their celebrations but I think not giving it would have the same effect.

I was off work today.  Billy woke me up after numerous attempts tenting me awake with different toys. My bed was covered in hem when I finally gave in.  I took him out for a walk and then took another trip out to take more stuff to the charity shop but most of he day I had little motivation to do anything. I just sat with the telly on thinking about Margaret. I hate it when I get in that frame of mind.

I went out again in the afternoon for my routine doctors appointment then I fell asleep on the sofa. I think I fell asleep just to stop myself thinking too much and upsetting myself. After tea I just watched rely again.

I've got work tonorrow so hopefully I can get myself going again.

[Karena]

Hope tomorrow is a better day,sounds like Billy is a proper little character.I,m out in the wilderness from tomorrow so won't be online for a while unless you can pick up smoke signals.Currently the thing plaguing my sleep is not a. Cute dog but a whining mossie.that I can't see to swipe.

[Hubby]

Hope you enjoy your time in the wild Karena. Same old same old for me.

Yesterday was a long day in work with nothing unusual happening. I did fit a plastic owl that I had in the garden at the depot just for the hell if it. After tea I did nothing but managed to get a bit upset at bedtime and didn't go online.

Today I woke early, went back to sleep and didn't wake up till 5!!!

Other than cook tea I haven't done a tap yet I'm still tired. That's two days doing nothing at home.

Hopefully I can get myself motivated soon.

[Hubby]

Well today wasn't the day for motivation.

I went to the local market this morning and put up some more decorations this afternoon but that's it. Couldn't even be bothered cooking tea so it was the chippy.

On the way back from the market my daughter had to pop into the chemists. As we had billy with us I sat outside with him. It was just like when I would sit outside waiting for Margaret except Margaret is gone and I burst into tears. I wish that wouldn't happen.

[Hubby]

Another fairly unproductive day. I had to stay in for some friends who were coming round. I have only seen them once since I lost Margaret and thought they might stay a while but they didn't.

I tons long walk to a retail park and got some presents for my daughters then a long walk home. Tea was from the chippy again and then telly. My daughters boyfriend is down do they were in her room watching DVDs from about eight leaving me alone downstairs. Oh and I put the Christmas trees up.

I've had a fair few cried today. One took me back to feelings I thought I had dealt with months ago.

I guess Christmas is going to be hard.

[Hubby]

And another.

I did get to the cemetery with my daughter which upset me a bit. I did a shop and an hour in the garden then made tea and had a couple of hours with little Ollie.

I think it's Christmas coming up but I keep having little bursts of crying. As well as that some things have become really important to me. I'm trying to remember all the things Margaret would have done for Christmas and keep remembering things which then become almost an obsession. Tonight I remembered some little 'snow baby' ornaments that meant a lot to Margaret as she got them from an aunt who had passed away. I turned the house upside down trying to find them, got really upset when I couldn't then, after a lot of panic, eventually did find them at the back of a cupboard. Crisis over.

I think I've done everything now.

[Emz2014]

I've had that happen to me before, searching for something that means alot and a terrible panic/flood of emotions when you can't find it which makes it even harder/more urgent to find it. 
Sending a hug.   
I think at this time of year it increases our emotional level, there's always an underlying feeling of rushing or pressure and we need to remember to take time to stop and be calm.  Some relaxing breathing exercises could help. They help me when I feel that way xx

[Hubby]

Cheers emz. I think my emotions are running s bit High but only when I am at home.

I got up late for work today but I had a long day in which was pretty uneventful. On the way home u stopped off at a mates for a few hours then did s bit of shopping. It was half seven when I finally got home. I did tea and made a stew for tomorrow then sat down to relax and then started crying.

I've got s course tomorrow then I am off work till next Wednesday. I'm not looking forward to it and would prefer to be in work. There are just too many reminders around the house.

One really strange thing that happened over the weekend that I forgot to mention was a weird thought that popped into my head. It was only fleeting but should never have occurred at all. Sat in the settee, with photos and reminders al around me I found myself thinking was Margaret real or had I imagined her? I find it quite distressing that I could even think that and feel pretty guilty about it. I have no idea where that one came from. 

[Emz2014]

I think that's a normal experience in bereavement, our minds are still processing everything and during that process it comes up with those thoughts/worries. I remember a sudden fear I had forgotten my dad's voice. And also on occasion feeling was any of it real

Maybe its a normal brain function, I know I also had that on occasions when looking at holiday photos - knowing I was there but also a weird unreal feeling that it hadn't happened/wasn't real. I can only think it must be due to time elapsed and the way our brains work.  Such a powerful organ which can certainly be weird and unhelpful at times!

Be assured that feeling/weird thought will pass. Nothing will take any of your memories and love away

Have you got any hobbies you can do during your time at home? Something to focus your attention. That may help for the times you're at home. I have found when I have been through really challenging times spending time drawing not only focused my attention but it also helped hours to fly by xx

[Karena]

  back from the wilderness more about that tomorrow,but just to say hubby I walked down a mountain yesterday and cried every step of it.I also wish it wouldn't happen but even now it does,if I,m honest I think it has too, or we just bottle it up,try and distract when really the emotion just needs to escape.although its a long time since I got caught out like that,I felt better for the long cry.

[Hubby]

Thanks for the replies. I'm sure I have forgotten Margarets voice Emz. I just can't pictured it for the life of me. It is my biggest regret that I never made any recordings of her. I have four short video clips with her on but none have sound.

I'm pleased you made it out of the wilds Karena. In a way your experience is like a metaphor for the journey we are all on. I think you are quite right about the emotions needing to come out. A good wail does seem to ease the pressure.

I've had a strange few days. Weird thoughts and up and down from one minute to the next. I've been pretty upset at night so I haven't been online.

On Tuesday I did a bit of a course for work but that was finished at 10 so I did a bit if window shopping in the afternoon and had another go at cleaning my grans headstone.  Yesterday I had my last counselling session of the year and finished off my pressie shopping. I'm not getting any special food in or anything.

I think I'm ready for Christmas now. I'm looking forward to seeing little Ollie with his presents. For the rest I'll probably be 'going through the motions' as another poster aptly put it.
Take care all.