Four days

[Karena]

Hay fever -its terrible at this time of year.

[Hubby]

Lol@Jakers tissues. The pharmacist must be thinking their ADs don't work too good.

Bit of a ropey start to the day today. Very upset and crying when I woke up. Managed to calm down on the drive into work. Sorted myself out with a job which meant I was working alone for mist if the day in case I started crying again but managed to keep myself busy and my brain occupied. Sorted out another job to call in at on the way home to stop me crying on the drive like I did earlier in the week.

Couldnt be bothered cooking so it was chippy tea (every cloud). My grandson and daughter came in (they're going to the Isle of Man over the weekend) which cheered me up a bit then a I watched a bit of telly before the sadness caught me again. And it did, all I had to do was glance at a picture of me and Margaret on our hols and I was off.

It's subsided now. Maybe that's the end of this setback or maybe just a lull.

I've just realised, it's five months today. 

[Julie Magson]

Where DOES the time go Hubby? Although each day seems endless, the months seem to fly by. Coming up to 4 months for me. You don't fancy coming and replacing my bath sealant do you  It's gone mouldy in an inaccessible area and I haven't a clue what to do with it  Seriously though I hope you are allowed a bit of peace today.

[Hubby]

I'd love to do your bathe sealant Julie but previous experience with it ended up with more if it's tuck on me than were I wanted it to go and wayer leaking from the bathroom into the kitchen.

Today I went for the easy option. Stayed in bed most of the day, got up, under coated a door then watched telly all interrupted by frequent bouts of crying. I feel really guilty that I didn't get up and get more done but it's so much easier to stay in bed and try to sleep through the setbacks.

My thinking has gone backwards as well. I can't help getting the thought that there is something I can do that would bring Margaret back. Of course I know it's an impossibility but the thought is there all the same.

I'm hoping tomorrow will be a bit easier.

[Julie Magson]

Oh I know what those days are like Hubby    - I hate staying in bed because I know it's not good for me but how else to hurry the day along till I can get back in bed again?  I try and force myself to get up but keep looking at the clock and turning over some mornings thinking 'just half an hour more and then I'll get up'.
I think you sound to be doing so well by achieving all the DIY jobs you are doing. Each time I achieve something, even if it's just changing the bedding I try and congratulate myself on having achieved something that day, the famous 'baby steps'.

I'll pass on the bath sealant then thank you! I really hope you are having a better day today- thinking of you.

[Soleil]

Here Here Hubby and Julie,

Anyone who has lost knows that feeling first thing in the morning and the procrastination of the day ahead. BUT three cheers just for getting through the day.  I agree that Hubby is headed in the right direction with his jobs even though there are many days I'm sure he'd prefer to not be doing them. We all struggle through these times but seeking support of others can help even just a little. Always knowing we don't do this alone. I wish both of you and all of us the strength to just keep going.

Blessings  and hugs
 

[Hubby]

Thanks for the replies.

Sometimes my 'half an hour more' moments end up filling best part of the day. Today was one of those days.

I woke up pretty early. Since I lost Margaret I have had classic FM playing at a very low level in the bedroom just to take the edge off the quietness. This morning when I woke they were playing the hymn 'How great thou art'. This was the song we had playing as people went into the church at the funeral (albeit Elvis was singing it) and immediately put me on a downer. So I went back to sleep. Next thing I know it's four in the afternoon. 

I got up, had tea and watched telly. Not a single job done today. Bit of a wasted weekend really.

I'm up really early for work tomorrow and I'm hoping I'm in the mood to get something done when I get home. I can't sit round feeling sorry for myself forever tempting as it may be.

Take care all

[Hubby]

Today was an improvement. Work was no problem at all. I did have one little slip up when someone told me our cleaner was leaving and did I know anyone who would want the job. Without thinking I said "I'll ask Margaret" before instantly realising my mistake. Strangely I felt more foolish than upset.

I did a shop on the way home and took the dog for a walk before tea. I didn't get any jobs done but it wasn't a bad evening.

Going back to something I wrote about work, the phrase 'without thinking'. While I was walking back with the job I became aware that I wasn't thinking about anything. I was just walking along without a thought I my head like some kind of zombie. It was as if my mind was busy doing other stuff that I wasn't aware of.

Strange or what?

[Soleil]

Hi Hubby,

So glad you had a pretty good day. Those slips are normal and don't worry what others think, they are probably very compassionate about it all. I don't think it's strange at all in fact I think it's fantastic that you are able to 'empty your head of thoughts' - maybe your getting a little more restful in your mind and a little more accepting of all of it. That's what meditation would be like, just a blank mind. Anyway, sounds like it was fairly positive. Jobs are there when they need to be done and you sound like the type that would get on them if needs must.

Happy you had a nice enough day. Hope your sleep is good.

[Karena]

 I still find myself saying we rather than i sometimes,then cringing but i dont know if anyone notices certainly no one has ever commented.
Not quite the same type of zombie,but one day as I was walking to work I felt as though I was so far removed from the world and detached I wondered for a moment if it was actually me that died and once I was so unaware of what was going on around me I walked out into the road and nearly got run over which really was embarrassing.

[Julie Magson]

Yes I can empathise with these things you are both saying- I find I have to be really careful when I'm crossing the road as my mind just isn't onto the job. I was watching a quiz show last night (as you do) when a contestant came on and I recognised him as a child I used to work with when I worked at a school for the blind, Alan knew him too and I turned in excitement to Alan and started to say "Oh look it's Liam!" and then felt so weird and sad.

[Hubby]

Thank you for the replies.

Now I've noticed it I am finding more and more times when my head is empty and I'm operating on auto pilot. I always used to have thoughts running round my head whether about what I was doing st the time or about other things I had to do. Now I just seem to carry on while my mind occupied itself with other things. I have the thought that it's still trying to get to grips with losing Margaret but it could be anything because I am totally unaware of what it is actually doing.

Today I've only had a few low moments and I worked really hard putting up industrial shelving. The heat was stifling and I even turned a hose on myself at one point.vi managed to get a few hours gardening in when I got home (too hot to paint) and then I tried some proper cooking, only s pasta bake but I made the sauce from scratch. Only problem is portion control. My daughter won't touch pasta or cheese so now I've got enough to last me about a month, oh, and the fact that I used practically every pot, pan dish and utensil in the kitchen making it.

Another thing I did was stop off at a shopping centre on the way home. The pound store was doing four packs of dwarf daffodil bulbs for a pound so I got a load of them and I got some really nice black plastic planters that actually look like they are ceramic for 79p each at Home & Bargain. I reckon they will look really nice on the grave when the daffs come up in the spring and at about a pound a pot they they will be far cheaper than buying plants from a garden centre.

I mention that because up till now I've mainly been just plodding along doing stuff as he mood takes me rather than planning ahead so I see it as another little sign of progression.

[Karena]

  I love daffodils so did Keith. We planted loads in a rockery area at our house.After his first stroke he couldn't see or walk well but sent me every morning to see if they had come out yet.They didn't until the day after he died,and seeing them then it felt like a message,like that was the reason he insisted I kept going to look,which made no sense because neither of us knew he was going to have the second stroke.But they became symbolic for me from then,No matter how bad the day and how gloomy you feel its hard not to be moved by them.They survived the winter and offer the first glimpse of sunshine.
I don't have a grave,but I planted daffodils in the places we loved to go,(native ones in rural spots) It meant I had to go back too those places and it meant I had to focus and plan where and how.There are over 100 in a field near the church so as they are showing on the anniversary of him dying, I have a walk down to see them,and as his birthday was in October I plant a few more in another place the weekend before or after,I already have this years batch and know where I,m going to plant them.

[Hubby]

That's lovely Karena.

Daffs were one of Margarets favourite flowers. She would go around tha family graves every weekend and mainly take carnations as hey can be had any time of year but come the spring she would constantly be badgering me to go round all the supermarkets on my way home from work to see if they had daffs in. She would be absolutely delighted when I finally managed to get my hands on some.

One year I planted hundreds of daffs at the end of the garden. I would look out of the window for the first flowers but never saw any. I thought I had bought a dodgy batch of bulbs. When I finally ventured out to investigate the lack of flowers I found the reason pretty quickly.

Margaret had cut them all to put on the graves leaving me with just stumps and leaves. 

Bless her. I'm going to really miss things like that.

[CornishDave]

Hubby I am new on here and cannot imagine how you feel as my wife is still with me. I guess one of us is going to face this in the not too distant future as we are both in our seventies! I only lost my teenage sweetheart who I had not seen for over 50 years and I feel really sad about that, no idea how I will react if my wife goes before me. I hope that as time goes by the pain will lessen, I know you will never forget but I am told that the pain will becomes less intense. It is good you have your family watching out for you and I am sure your dog is a great comfort. My thoughts are with you and I hope you will soon get more of the peace you deserve.