Four days

[Hubby]

Thanks Emz. I need days like I had yesterday to compose myself for the next wave.

Today hasn't been quite so positive. I had grand plans yesterday for a big through the house clean up as I've let things go a bit but I got very upset looking at pictures on my phone in bed last night and didn't fall asleep till late. I woke up this morning and just couldn't be bothered. Instead I've chilled out watching telly most of the day. I did do a little shop, throw some stuff out of the freezer that I don't know how to cook and take the dog out and also cooked tea but that's only about two hours total of productive time in the whole day.

I did also have a good cry in the afternoon but I need one every now and then to let the emotions out.

Not nearly as bad a day as over the weekend but not the best of days either.

I wonder what kind of day I'll get tomorrow? 

[Hubby]

Strange day so far. Woke up feeling fine, got upset while I was getting washed, then felt fine, then got upset, then felt fine, then got upset. See the pattern emerging? The slightest thing sets me off then it subsides as quickly as it came on. Not so much a roller coaster as a ride along a potholed road.

Anyone else had days like that?

[Spaicer]

Yes happens to me every day, I can cry for 30 seconds or a minute or two then be fine again, I've never been a crier, can't remember last time I cried before Terry being ill, so all very strange for me.

I think the tears are good though definitely better than holding them in.

 

[Hubby]

Thanks for the reply Spaicer.

This up and down day is a new one on me. I'm used to having bad days and good days, even half days , and my night time cry has become something I take for granted but flitting between bad and OK, sometimes with only a few minutes of one or the other, is scary and draining.

In between bouts of upset I managed to clean up in one room, get a shopping trip done and take the dog out but I could have done a lot more.

I got my weekly call from the Samaritans tonight and I was up and down through that as well.

I wonder what surprises tomorrow will hold? 

[mike59]

Hello Hubby,I Like you have good and Bad days also by the minute Tears Roll down my Face Like  waterfall and its uncontrolable. Last year Gail Puurchased Quite a lot of Marks and Spencer Vouchers I have no Idea Why Gail was a Great one for putting things in a safe place,I had known that the vouchers run out in June but not what date, in my Mind I was panicking to find them before they ran out of Date.Lucky last monday I found them yesterday I Decided to go and Spend them and Buy somthing gail would have liked,Arrived at marks Feeling OK but after 5 minutes I started to get really Upset, the staff were amazing A Lovely Lady kept with me and helped me shop made me a Coffee and insisted I drank it,Again like you one day my house Looks like a Junkyard I havent Dusted only once since febuary my Daughter does that for me but I really feel as if I should do it,Im Disabled and do have many Health issues but I like to try to do what I can, my children all mean well but it frustrates me not being able to do lots of things this adds to my problems I have coping with gails Passing, I have another Problem which I am Dreding I live with my Oldest son he is Off to America Next Wednesday for 3 weeks my other 2 adult children are going to support me by taking in turns Feeding me and keeping me Company some of the Time, I just am scared for my son its a long story but hes meeting his internet friend ( female) I just dont want him to get hurt, sorry for the Rant ..Hoping you all have better Days xx


'                                                                                                                                   




                                                                                     Best wishes   

[Soleil]

My goodness, sometimes I read the posts and it's like I wrote them myself. The up and down one minute to the next has me right now. It may sound daft but the recent loss of my 15 year old cat has just blended the other losses together and it comes back again in waves. It is very comforting that we know that this IS the human condition and we all travel the same path.  Sometimes I can't make head nor tail of what will happen in the next few seconds.  That is what makes this forum so important, we don't know the difference it makes in someone's day to know we are all feeling the panic, the roller coaster of emotions and the sadness. Sending hugs to everyone who needs one   

[Emz2014]

It is comforting to know you're not alone, or losing your mind isnt it.  When I lost my dad a colleague lost his dad about 3 weeks later, and in general chat we often found we were going through similar phases, like waking at around 1 or 2 and sat awake,  bleary eyed until around 4.  Just knowing in a way that this was 'normal' was so reassuring and just a little less lonely/scary

Sending hugs to you all xx

[Hubby]

Thanks for all the replies. It's comforting to know that this isn't some strange grieving tangent I've gone off on by myself.

Pretty much the same today. I managed to get some plants from the market and had a few reasonable hours planting them while my daughter went to a hospital appointment with my mother in law. I would have gone but it was in the neurological hospital where Margaret died and memories are too raw at this stage to think of going there.

My daughter has gone to stay with her boyfriend for a few days and my youngest can't come in because her blokes had an operation today and needs looking after so I'm alone in the house. It's nice to have a bit of alone time. I treated myself to a big chippy tea and decided to have a shandy with it. That led to finishing off a six pack of John Smiths and a few Southern Comforts and falling asleep in front of the telly. I've just woken up.

I've had quite a few cries earlier but, like yesterday, alternating with feeling OK. That is tiring and might be why I fell asleep (along with the drink).

Big plans for tomorrow. I have a list of jobs to do as long as my arm. I probably won't do them but you have to be optimistic don't you.

Hope you all have a good weekend.

[Soleil]

Hey Hubby,

Sometimes it's a good idea to 'let go' once in a while. Yes, grieving is different for us all but the same so there are no rules or timetable. Just have to let it be what it wants to be even though unpleasant and inconvenient at times.

Have a good day, 

[Hubby]

Cheers Johmac.

I certainly let go last night. Had a good old cry in bed and I think it did me the world of good. Even though the house is empty I managed to get up pretty early. Fed the cat that lives in our yard and my dog and did myself a decent breakfast. Managed two of the jobs on my to do list then my daughter brought my grandson round so I dumped the tools and had a funafternoon with him. The dogs had two walks and I've done my tea and all the washing up.

My mother in law came round tonight so we've had a chinwag and watched some telly and, now she's gone, I'm going to have a bath and an early night.

All this and I've only had two short sobs all day.

I've also decided to stop taking the antidepressants (Prozac). My reasoning is that they are really to fettle your brain when you have depression due to a chemical imbalance. I don't have depression. I'm sad because I am grieving which is a pretty good reason to be sad. Even if the tablets do suppress the sadness it's only delaying it coming out.

Anyhows, that's me for the night. Hope you are all having good days.

[Hubby]

Similar day today. Not too bad. I've had a few little cries (sobs) but managed to do a few jobs, play with my grandson and take the dog for a walk.

Everyone went home at 7 and I have been alone in the house since then. It's very quiet and lonely. I don't like it. My eldest is coming home tomorrow so I only have to put up with it tonight.

[Soleil]

Hi Hubby,

I think you are doing really well considering. I think anti depressants are a personal decision. I am taking them now but I got through 3 months of grieving and was glad that I had. I did not want the a-d's to mask any grief but what you and I do is not necessarily for everyone and I completely respect that. I also think my a-d's are part of a 'time of life' thing. I was let go of my job and turned 60 right after so you quickly come to the conclusion that even though you have terrific  skills, experience and wisdom, that is not what the working world wants anymore.

I hope you have a great week.

 

[Hubby]

Cheers johmac

I've been on Prozac for years following a time when my job was on the line and house subsiding. At that time I had nowhere to escape worry and bought that was as bad as it gets. After the new occupational health people in work slapped all kinds of ridiculous restrictions on me I was in the process of weaning myself off them when I lost Margaret and plunged into grief. The doctor wanted to double my original dose but I went back to just the original dose. Now I've decided to stop them. I might have to talk to my doctor at my appointment tomorrow as apparently stopping them suddenly can have serious side effects.

Today was pretty good again. Bit of a cry (wail) last night and a sob in the empty house this morning then off to a 'family fun day' at a local garden centre with my youngest and her family. We then had a carvery dinner. When I got home my eldest was back so the house isn't empty anymore. I've just had one little cry this evening but the day has been quite bearable in the main with a few bouts of 'normal'.

I have the rest of the week off and my next big step is the phased return to work starting next week if I don't have a big setback beforehand.

[Soleil]

Hi Hubby,

I just got the notice that you had posted so I wanted to reply.  I am no expert on a-d's as this is the first time I've ever been on them but I have done a lot of research and the one thing I have found out (not sure if it applies to Prozac) is that coming off is best if you are weaned off them.

You do what you think is right for you but since you have a dr appt, would it be an idea to first speak with him. Also, is this the right time if you are going back to work? You may need all the support you can get and when you feel better emotionally (work and home) then wean off. Don't put more  on yourself than you need to. You have been through a very rough time.   

[Emz2014]

Good idea to have a chat with your Dr about the best way to come off the tablets, I came off mine too suddenly initially and felt ill, was fuzzy headed and dizzy (so much so I had to take a couple of days off work), so went back on them then after a couple of weeks reduced them slowly and the side effects were bearable then for a week or so.

  xx