Six months

[Brian71]

I'm pleased you didn't write it off,  as I would genuinely like to meet-up again with you some time Hubby,   just give me a shout when your up for it and I can pick you, and drop you back afterwards.....I enjoy driving so no problem at all.

It's no Buckingham Palace here,  but I'm sure we can manage for a few days...lol

You take care.....best wishes....Brian

[Hubby]

I don't know about showing you the sights if Liverpool. I haven't visited any of them myself. I really ought to do the tourist trail in my own city. Lol

Today was a fair day in work which took up from 6 am to 6pm. I dropped in at an aunts in the way home and didn't get in till nearly 8 so it was chippy for tea as I couldn't be bothered cooking.

Some artificial flowers arrived that I ordered off eBay for Margarets grave. Three bunches of roses. They looked really good in the photo but three really sorry looking, flattened, tiny bunches turned up crammed into a padded A4 envelope. I thought they seemed too much of a bargain at 99p a bunch.

No real cries to report and only a handful of down moments when I thought I might cry so a tad better than yesterday and heading in the right direction.

Take care

[Karena]

Try spreading the leaves out and leave on a flat surface a few days.they might recover a bit.my daughter makes bridal bouquets up from them I will ask her later tonight if she has any better tips.

[Hubby]

I've tried fluffing them up a bit Karena but they really are quite pathetic. Those Chinese must have some brilliant photographers to make them look like they did on the website. Lol.

Today has been pretty mixed. I was pretty upset when I woke up and had a little sob before setting off for work. Once there I was fine doing jobs all over the place keeping myself busy. I finished in the city centre around 4:30 and walked back to my van through the shopping area. I went through one shop as I wanted to look st some tools I need. I had to walk through a display of Christmas things and I was looking around them thinking how much Margaret would have liked some of them when I burst out crying. No warning, not a sniffle that could be hidden but an all out bawl. 

People were staring at me and a shop assistant asked if I was OK. (I don't think I looked like I was OK). I explained to her why I was crying and she took me to a store area out of public gaze till I composed myself. I got back to my van and cried all the way home then I was OK again. I even managed to sweep all round the back of the house before having tea and settling down for the evening.

I've managed to wangle myself a bit of easy overtime tomorrow and Sunday and I am on call over the weekend with the proviso that I can refuse a callout if I need to be with my daughter. The boss is happy with that arrangement but I don't think he would be if I didn't turn out to a major failure. Fingers crossed I won't be needed.

Hope everyone has a good weekend or at least some bearable time.

[Hubby]

Not much to report today. I had s job to go in work this morning, came home and spent hours trying to get algae off the yard with a scrubbing brush then went back to work before having tea and s bath.

There been a peppering of crying spells spread pretty evenly across the day but nothing like yesterday's meltdown.

I'm calling it an 80% day.

[Brian71]

Good to hear Saturday wasn't too bad for you matey,  80% is probably as much as we can maybe expect at this stage,  it typifies most of my days I suppose.

I met a group of locals today who have recently started meeting for walks over the downs, it was at 11am,  only about 8 there, all nice people,  All divorced from 45ish to 64,  again I was the oldest...lol   I didn't join them for the walk, as it was over 3 miles, and it's quite cold here,  so a bit out of the question for me.  However I did join them for lunch at a pub on the downs where they were going afterwards,  I slipped back home and had a nice cup of tea while they were doing their walk.

I doubt I will be going again however as the lady who organizes it,  seems to have a distrust and cynical view of all men I think...due to being married to a bad one as they say...lol.  It was only their second meetup,  she certainly needs to change her mannerism towards members too,   otherwise I doubt many will be going again,  that was the view many had as we were leaving.  So I think I can rule that one out for future social meets.

[Julie Magson]

I so admire you for trying all these things Brian- I just haven't got it in me right now- hope I will get there.

[Brian71]

Well Julie, it's just me trying to move forwards to that next step,  I suppose it allows me to forget what's happened this year, albeit only for a couple hours.   The truth is of course I'm missing the companionship of my beloved wife.

[Karena]

  hope the weekend was bearable hubby.Xmas is problematic for a lot of people especially the first one and I guess seeing the stuff brings to the fore something that you are trying not to think about .

[Hubby]

Thanks all.

Brian your certainly a lot more proactive than me in looking for things to occupy you. I don't look much further than the back yard and, like Julie, find it difficult to get motivated as there doesn't seem to be much point to anything anymore.

There are lots of things coming up that won't be the same without Margaret. There are four family birthdays next month which she would have arranged meals out or little parties for but Christmas will be the biggie. If only I could cancel it for this year it would make life so much easier.

Today wasn't bad either. An early start in work with contractors then off to the depot to do my Timesheet and stuff. I was home at dinner time and mowed the lawn the potted up a few small containers with miniature daffodils for the grave in spring. I went back to work to close down the worksite then my daughter took me to the grave. I bought two cyclamen plants and we took fresh flowers.  The flowers in he grave were stil in good nick so I put them on some if the graves that didn't have flowers. When we finished Margarets grave looked really nice. I had to walk off to have a bit of a sob as I don't like crying in front of my kids

I did a curry again for my youngests tea and pulled out all the stops. Proper balti dishes, lime pickle, mango chutney, poppadoms, naan bread, saag aloo. I think they were impressed. I was quite proud of myself. A few hours with my grandson, Oliver, cheered me up no end.

Then a bit of telly and now an early night. Even though I am off work tomorrow I've volunteered to go in and set the worksite up in the morning unpaid. I figure it will give me a reason to get out if bed and I should be back by breakfast time hopefully in the mood to do something about the house.

Take care.

[Hubby]

Really strange day today.

Went into work fine and got myself a maccies breakfast on the way home. I parked up to eat it overlooking the river and had a really bad bout of crying.

When it was over I decided to call in at the tattoo studio. I had a good chinwag with a tattooist over what to get on my ring finger and finally decided on a simple 'M'. My thinking is that a picture could be for anybody but M is for Margaret. I'm quite pleased with it.

I didn't do any particular jobs and just pottered around the house but I did decide to throw some if my old clothes out. While clearing out a drawer I found a handful of photos from throughout our marriage with a photo of our wedding day on the top. This prompted another major bout if crying. Then something really strange happened. I had put the photos on top of the cupboard and I accidentally knocked them on the floor. I gathered them up but I couldn't find the wedding day picture. I looked everywhere and even started to think I had imagined it. Then I opened the drawer I had found them in and found it, underneath all the stuff I had put back in. I'm at a loss to explain how it ended up in a closed drawer underneath a pile of things. 

There has been a few other cries in the day but, purely because of the two big ones, I'm classing it as a pretty evenly mixed day.

[Karena]

Xmas is difficult,but you will have Oliver and that will make the world of difference.I found my way to deal with Xmas was instead of thinking how awful it will be to carry out the old traditions,try and create some new ones.Perhaps as simple as an afternoon with Oliver,doing a few homemade decorations or a walk with a hot chocolate at the end of it.Something you can do every year,just you and him.

[Hubby]

Thanks Karena. I'm putting Christmas to the back of my mind for as long as I can. It's a good idea to make new traditions though. I'll definitely work on that.

Today has been a wasted day. I woke up and had s bit of a cry then got up and prepared to do a bit more painting outside. The sun was shining and u went out and put my ladders up then a cloud came over so I made a cuppa and waited for it to pass. It didn't and I ended up watching telly all day.

I did go out for a bit if shopping. Bread, milk etc and whe I got to paying for them realised that I had forgotten to take any money with me. 

I've not really felt anything today though. Apart from the cry this morning I've been pretty emotionless. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing.

[Brian71]

I must admit Karena I am expecting Xmas to be very bad indeed this time,  just thinking about it is depressing.

My daughters asked me to go down to Cornwall and have Xmas with her and the two girls which is likely what I will do.
My wife always sorted all the Xmas cards and wrapped the pressies for Xmas,  she loved doing it as Mums do. (I just paid for them...lol)...  but this Xmas will be strange doing it myself. (I may just them the money instead this time...lol)

[Julie Magson]

How old are the two girls Brian? This year I am only giving my granddaughters money but I will buy a selection box or some other easy thing to attach the money to. Mine are 18 and 14 so I know they would much prefer money anyway or a gift token for somewhere like Next or Amazon. I will only be writing a few cards just to close family also.