Four days

[Soleil]

Hi Hubby,

I think anyone who has grieved could anticipate what happened to you. Even though I've grieved many times, I still get caught off guard when I think I'm doing better than I am and end up in another ocean of tears.  The good thing is you did accomplish something today at work so be proud of yourself. For a while, the sadness will be there and there may be times you are trying to control the emotions when they appear unexpectedly.

Always interested in reading your 'diary' which you are generous enough to share with others.

Bye for now
 

[Emz2014]

3 months isn't long atall and you are doing really well.    having this post helps you see your progress too, which is so helpful at times when we feel things don't seem to be changing
It was an ever changing path but for the first year I grieved (at varying degrees, very much a rollercoaster) and the second year brought it's own challenges. All steadily creeping forward to coping better over time. And you have friends here to help along your journey.  xx

[Hubby]

Thank you very much for the replies. It keeps me grounded to know that others have had similar experiences.

I missed posting yesterday. The day was pretty much the same as Thursday. Work, home, did a bit then got very upset. My daughter went to stay with her boyfriend for the weekend and the loneliness got to me a bit so I was feeling very sorry for myself.

I was upset again this morning but managed to get it together in time to pop into work and do a little overtime. I'm home now and trying to muster a bit of enthusiasm to do something but I'll probably slob out for the rest of the day. The weather doesn't help.

Hope your all having better weekends.

[Hubby]

Well I've had a lousy weekend.

The weather stopped me keeping myself occupied so I was sat in the empty house and kept myself busy by crying and generally feeling sorry for myself. This afternoon I went to the grave and sat there sobbing in the pouring rain for an hour and a half. The dog thinks I've gone nuts and he may be right. 

My eldest came back home at five and my youngest came round so I picked up a bit then but in general it's been another setback.

Oh how I hate these continuous ups and downs. The unpredictability of it all. I just think I'm beginning to understand my feelings and suddenly everything changes.

[Hubby]

Well today went pretty much like Thursday and Friday.

I went to work and managed all day without to much upset. Most of the time I felt fine and it was only when I had to walk across the city centre and past shops with memories that I had a little wobble. No crying, just feeling a bit sad.

Then I came home, stopping off to get a bit of shopping, and broke down in floods of tears the minute I walked in the door. Me and my eldest went to my youngests and she gave us our tea which was a welcome break from cooking then I walked he dog. My mother in law came round to help me sort out the freezers, we had to throw out loads of stuff. She went home and again I burst out crying.

I've had good days and setbacks before but this setback seems to be deeper and longer lasting than previous ones. I think it's because next week I have booked off work, it would have been the week Margaret and me went off to Blackpool. We already had it booked and I had to cancel the hotel when she died but I forgot to cancel my leave from work. I have so many happy memories of our times there and it really hurts knowing there won't be any new ones.

I really miss her and the yearning seems to be getting stronger. 

[Spaicer]

  hubby, I'm with you in having a big set back, can't seem to move forward even slightly, managing to get through the work day and care for the kids but am just totally empty, just want to retreat to bed & cry (which I can't)  don't know how I'm going to get through this but I suppose there's no choice.
I hope you have a better day tomorrow 

[Hubby]

Thanks Spaicer.

I'm sorry to hear you are stuck as well. Bearable days seem so far away but you never know what is around the next corner on this journey.

Hoping you also have a better day tomorrow. 

[Hubby]

Not so bad today.

Did work with no major problems. Came home early for a doctors appointment. He's given me a note allowing me to do my job but no night work till August (nights are when I always get upset). No crying yet today and feeling quite positive. Maybe the latest setback is over for a bit.

I'll have a bit of a weep, maybe more than that, before I go to sleep but I don't count that as affecting a good day. It's the time I indulge my grief and allow the emotions out. It seems to help me relax and fall asleep. 

[Soleil]

Hi Hubby,

I'm so sorry that you won't be enjoying the holidays you used to have in Blackpool. When you feel more positive down the road maybe you can make a scrap book with some of the photos of the times you had with Margaret. Even make a collage to put on the wall. Also, it is a fact that crying will eliminate toxins in your body and reduce your stress, it is it's own therapy. Tears of grief are not the same as other tears so it's your body doing what it needs so cry as much as you need. I think if more people cried there would be less disease from stress so you should allow it all to get out. It's good that you are not working nights - I think that is a hard time for you to go home and not have any downtime for the emotions.  We are still here for you. You are improving even on your worst days when you don't feel that you are. Take care and I'll keep sending you hugs.

 

[Hubby]

Thanks Jakers. 

I have a digital photo frame which displays pictures of Margaret many of which are on our holidays. I may have to turn it off next week to save myself from getting too upset.

I had a bit of a bad day yeasterday. A bit like previousm days but much more upset when I got home. I couldnt bring myself to go online and went to bed early. Work was OK today but I was really tired and had a headache all day. I had a lie down when I came in and feel a bit better now.

One thing I have noticed is that I no longer feel the need to mention little things I have done like cooking, walking the dog etc etc. These seemed like big things worthy of mention not so long ago but now I manage them without too many problems. I think this shows I am coping better with the day to day practicalities. My grief is no longer stopping me from functioning but the sense of loss now seems even worse than it was.

Hope you all have good days.

[Spaicer]

  I understand exactly how you feel, I seem to be at the same "stage" I don't congratulate myself just for making it through the day anymore, which used to feel like an achievement but I seem to have accepted that this is it, the sadness will never go because I'm never going to see Terry again we're never going to share a laugh or wind the kids up by singing & dancing round the kitchen, I suppose what I'm saying is there's a huge hole that won't be filled and I've come to accept it but it's not going to get easier 
Sorry! Not very supporting! Reading your posts you seem to have come a long way I hope tomorrow is easier for you 

[Emz2014]

I guess it's a little like learning a skill,  it's a real challenge at the beginning and we fight our way through the challenge and get better at the skill,  so we can then do a certain amount with less effort and work towards the next step of the challenge
With bereavement even the simplest things like getting out of bed or walking the dog takes a huge amount of effort at the beginning so we rightly count them as our mini daily successes. On our journey those bits become 'easier/more routine' to achieve so we are then ready for the next 'challenge'
I also think bereavement is a bit like that in the way it kind of 'releases' the emotions in increments, by which I mean that just when we think we've got the hang of it there'll be other/stronger emotions to deal with. We may think we've gone backwards but I think it's our mind deciding we're a teeny bit stronger, have achieved a 'step' and are ready to deal with a bit more.  Which, I think is why we have dips.  Even when we think we've gone backwards we've actually crept forward and gently over time it gradually becomes easier to cope and the missing less raw xx

[Hubby]

Thank you both very much for the replies.

Its certainly a strange stage to be at. Like you say Spaicer theres a huge piece of my life missing but I'm slowly learning to accept that this is how things are going to be for the foreseable future. The emotions do seem to be stronger but the day to day stuff is getting easier.

Today I was off work. I got up pretty early made breakfast and went with my two daughters and grandson to the market. I then took a train into town and hunted down a solicitor to witness a signature on some probate documents. I came home and started tidying up the front room which hasnt been touched since I lost Margaret. I was making pretty good progress then ...

I treasure all the memories
We've shared along the way
and cherish all the new ones
We are making every day

... I found the valentine card Margaret gave me a month before she died.

 

Total meltdown.

It took me a good two hours to get myself back together enough to make the tea but I did pick up enough to do a bit more tidying (but not in the front room in case I came across something else).

I did get stuff done and managed half of the day before coming across the card. If I hadn't found it I would have had a good day but, to pull a positive from a negative, it is now one of my most treasured possessions.

I think I'm going to have a good old sob before I sleep tonight.

Hope everyone had one of their better days

[Soleil]

Hi Hubby, 

I think you are doing splendid. 

You are handling the situations as they present themselves and still moving forward even though it catches you offguard. You really need to commend yourself for your progress. These things are going to be happening and there's nothing you can do in advance to warn yourself so just go with it. 

I wish you a good sleep and good day tomorrow.

Best wishes for your continued progress.

[Hubby]

Thanks Jakers.

Your words are very encouraging as sometimes it is difficult to see I am getting anywhere.

Today I managed all day without crying. I did a bit of overtime in work earlier on, some shopping on the way home and stopped off at the cemetery. After tea I did some little jobs, nothing major, then watched telly. It wasn't till after 11 tonight that I had a cry but the longing was as deep as it has ever been if not deeper.

I'm hoping for better weather tomorrow to keep myself busy.