Four days

[Hubby]

Thanks for the replies.

My daughter is having flashbacks to when she found Margaret and hears her talking to her. She kept this from me because I was so upset. I don't know what I condo to help.

Yesterday I had a pretty bad day. I think the family upset has set me back a bit. My two daughters and me did a big shop and my eldest a boyfriend came to stay the weekend. I had a bit of overtime in work in the afternoon, just a little job, but when I got home I had a terrible headache. I dong really get headaches but this was so bad I could hardly lift my head.

My eldest cooked tea and after that I went to bed. I didn't wake up till 10 this morning.

[Hubby]

Just had breakfast made for me 

[Spaicer]

  enjoy  you deserve it x

[Karena]

There is web page with advice for family I will look it up and pm you the link.
Hope you enjoyed breakfast and the rest of the day was OK.
Re the headache make sure you're not getting dehydrated,that gives me headaches as does an approaching thunderstorm didn't used to but it does now,so depending on your weather yesterday it could have been that.

[Soleil]

Good on you Hubby for having your breakfast made. I think Karena is spot on with the hydration. I'm also one who gets a headache (migraine) when the barometer drops or a sudden change.  We need to keep our bodies well hydrated, especially when grieving. Also, with the crying you are losing water and salt as well as when your breathing out so be sure to keep them topped up. Have a great Monday.   
 

[Hubby]

Thanks all.

My daughters, their boyfriends and my grandson spent the day around me but I spent a lot of time out of the room crying. Even when I was with them I couldn't concentrate as I was thinking a lot about Margaret. Maybe it's because it's Father's Day or because of Friday night or just another dip but it's been pretty low.

The headache could have been dehydration. I have been crying buckets since Friday. 

I'm having an earlyish night tonight as I am up st 5:30 in the morning. I hope I get a better day.

[Hubby]

What a horrible morning. I woke up a little sad but went through the routine of getting ready for work. Then my mind played a new trick on me. I was in the kitchen making s cuppa, the sun started shining I let the dog into the garden and, for a second, everything was fine. Margaret was in the living room watching having a cuppa and toast and I was almost ready to set off to work. It felt great.

Of course the realisation that Margaret was not in the living room soon destroyed the illusion and left me sobbing uncontrollably. Staying off work wasn't an option as the first job I had to do was necessary to enable a lot of other people to do work. I went out to my van and sat in it crying my eyes out for a good 20 minutes before I could drive.

I did the job then went to the depot where I actually had quite a good day. I dropped off at Margarets grave on the way home and had a little weep, nothing like the cry I had in the morning, then went home and managed to keep myself quite busy with little jobs.

I've just come up for an early night and had another good sob but it's passed now. I'm ready for sleep

Hope everyone had s day a little better than yesterday. It's not guaranteed by any means but it does sometimes happen.

[Hubby]

A strange day today.

Woke up and went to work without any tears. Work was a bit 'same old, same old'. Came home made tea, walked dog, a couple of little cries.

The only big thing that happened was something I thought I had missed out on. Since losing Margaret I have read a lot on grief and spoken to many people and one manifestation is said to be 'seeing' your loved one while you are out and about. I thought that sounded a bit crazy and it didn't happen to me until I was driving home tonight.

I was sat at a set of traffic lights and I looked around to see a woman walking along the pavement on the opposite side of the road. She was the same build as Margaret, had the same hairstyle and was dressed similarly. I remember thinking to myself "What is Margaret doing all the way over here?". Then I realised what had happened. I didn't cry or get upset but it did kind of spook me a bit.

I wonder what other tricks my brain has planned

[rajahh]

I have had that experience too. After my daughter died. I suddenly saw her walking towards me with a neighbour. It turned out it was the neighbours daughter but I couldn't even speak as it did not hit me until they were actually talking to me.

I did cry, .

You are making progress hubby, however backwards and forwards it seems to you. You have a lot to contend with and I admire the way you come on here and involve us all, it helps as we sometimes feel we have days like yours but never put it into words.

Jeannette

[Soleil]

Hi Hubby

I am with rajahh and again I commend you on the postings, it benefits a lot of people who are aware of the journey and how it goes. I am finding more and more lately that there are so many losses around me. My good friends brother in law was killed in a motorcycle accident and that has a ripple effect. Life is so uncertain from day to day. Good wishes to you and if you are a believer you will always have Margaret with you, like an angel so when those things happen she is probably whispering to you that she is close.
 

[Hubby]

Thank you for the replies.

Mostly I make these posts for my own benefit. It helps me clear my head and I can go back through them and see that I ammaking progress at times when it seems I am going backwards. I am definitely further on than the days when I couldn't eat, sleep or even deal with basic things.

I had a long day I work today. I was heading home at two but something cropped up that needed pretty urgent attention and they asked me to attend. I could have refused because it had the potential to be pretty stressful but I went and dealt with it quite well even if I say so myself.

I didn't get home till seven (stopped off at ASDA and got some whoopsied veg on the way home). I made the tea and walked the dog. I got a letter from the local health trust about the complaint I made but all it said was that there is a delay in looking at complaints. Perhaps I should complain about the complaints procedure! 

Most importantly I did the whole day without crying once. Not even when I stopped at Margarets grave to have a little chat about the day. I've had sad moments and I will cry before I go to sleep but a whole day with a dry hankie is a bit of a first.

I only hope it lasts.

[Spaicer]

  definitely sounds like steps in the right direction, hope tomorrow is ok

[Hubby]

Thanks Spaicer.

I hope you have some decent days as well. You deserve them. 

[Emz2014]

All little steps forward  xx

[Hubby]

Thanks emz. Always nice to get some encouragement.

Today wasn't so bad. I went on a first aid training course. Bits of it were difficult (The last time I put someone in the recovery position it was Margaret) but I got through it without too much trouble. I came home and cooked a vegan meal for one of my daughters friends who was visiting and he was quite impressed. I took the dog for a walk and managed to fit in a bit of hedge trimming. It was quite a good day, or so it seemed.

Then, and for no apparent reason, I just broke down crying and the feelings of missing Margaret were stronger than ever. I'm thinking the sadness is always there just waiting for a chance to get out. Work and stuff just distracts me giving me an illusion of being further ahead than I actually am.

That said I am only just over three months in. I would only be fooling myself if I thought I was even approaching fully functional in such a short time.