Four days

[Hubby]

Thank you all very much for the thoughts.

It's certainly been a rough few days and I woke up this morning crying but I've calmed down a lot as the day has gone on.

I walked the dog early, made breakfast for myself and my daughter and then got my ladders out and spent the afternoon painting in the yard. It was sweltering so I had frequent refreshment breaks and progress was slow but I did the bit I wanted to do.

Later on I made tea, did the washing up and my youngest came round with my grandson so a good time was had there. No crying since this morning though I will have a little weep before I go to sleep ( I always do).

Up early tomorrow for work. First job is to get someone out to start the van. It's been outside my house for nearly three months and the battery is completely flat. 😳

[Hubby]

Well first day back at work and it was a bit of a farce.

I got up early and cried that much I thought I might not be able to go in but calmed down after 20 minutes or so. I called someone out to start the van. He started it OK but the battery was that flat it was knackered. He couldn't fit a new one because the van is under warranty so I had to drive it to a main dealer. The callout man said they would give me a courtesy car but they didn't have one so I had to get a train to the office. I was only there 30 minutes when one of the bosses started flapping and asked if I could go out and deal with a problem (I'm supposed to be on light duties/phased return). Instead of saying no I got the boss to run me to the job and when I had done it he let me go home. I was back home in time for judge Rinder.

So I walked the dog, phoned the solicitor, did a little bit of painting, had a cry, did a shop and made tea.

My eldest has phoned everyone on the action plan the crisis team set out and started the wheels in motion. She also went to the doctors and he reckons she has ptsd after finding Margaret collapsed and that's what's made her epilepsy worse. He's given her another tablet.

Off to bed now. Got to get the train in again tomorrow.

[Hubby]

I don't know what has caused it but I'm having a nightmare of a day. I've been breaking down crying and I'm missing Margaret more than ever. I'm really drained and I've done nothing at all. I couldn't even get my van because they haven't fixed it yet.

All I want to do is go to bed and hopefully start again tomorrow. 

[Soleil]

Hi Hubby,

I'm sure the stress of going back to work has something to do with it. Also, the last time you were at work Margaret was probably alive and now you are stepping back in it under different circumstances and the reality has set in once again. Sometimes if you take a moment to reflect on why your emotions are so raw you can realize that something new happened.  I'm sorry for your day, try and cope as best you can and keep posting. 

[Hubby]

Thanks Jakers.

I was in such a state when I did the last post I forgot to mention that I didn't go into work today. I woke up in time but felt terrible. Even though I hadn't started crying I knew within a minute of waking I wouldn't be going in. I phoned the boss and he seemed fine with it and told me to stay at home and just get my van this afternoon (it's still not done).

I've had a bath now and I'm going to have an early night and try to get the train in tomorrow. I have to get back to work packing my job in is not an option.

[Hubby]

Today's update.

Woke up very upset but managed to drag myself out of bed, get dressed and make a coffee. Had a right wailing session while I drank it and really didn't want to go to work.

However I forced myself to leave the house and got the train in. I didn't do much while I was there, I replied to a few emails and that was about it but I got into the swing of being around people again. I got he train home in the afternoon then went to pick up my van so no more trains.

I did a bit of shopping, stopped off at Margarets grave with some new flowers, took the dog for a long walk, made a half decent tea and prepared a salad for my dinner tomorrow (and one for my youngest daughter). All without any major upset.

Of course I will have my bedtime cry but I'd put this down as quite a good day on the whole.

I hope the rest of you had good days.

[Spaicer]

I'm glad you managed to get through some time at work, I find a bit of routine helps and gives me something else to think about, its the loneliness in the evening that I'm finding difficult at the moment.

Hope tomorrow goes ok 

[Karena]

Glad you managed to get into work,its not a minor achievement so well done you.I remember when I went back not really being able to focus on the job at all and making a couple of mistakes,plus getting annoyed about a colleague moaning that his wife wanted new kitchen units but they couldn't agree on the colour.It all seemed so petty and so trivial I wanted to yell at him about wasting their time together with silly arguments,but managed to bite my tongue,Of course it was nothing out of the ordinary wasn't going to cause a split or anything just everyday conversation but it was the realisation that I would never have that kind of conversation again,that ordinary would never come back and that I had nothing to say nothing everyday because every part of me was focussed on my loss.It took a while but I did get back to the work routine and it does fill the days.

[Hubby]

Thanks for the replies.

Being busy does tend to keep the emotions in check and those lonely times, particularly going to sleep and waking up for me, are the worst. Unfortunately they are pussyfooting around me in work and I'm basically left to do as I please. I would love the chance to make mistakes but you can't do that when your just mucking about.

After the usual struggle I drove in this morning. Normally working nights and having had nearly three months off without driving negotiating the city centre rush hour was interesting to say the least. I was surprised how long the journey took. I spent most of the day tidying the back of my van. One of the first things o found was a hanger off a pair of shoes I had bought for Margaret and the wrapper off the Mother's Day card I bought her a few weeks before she died. I climbed in the back of the van and had a little weep. It was quite a big job as its a working van with stuff all over the place and I'm pretty pleased with the progress I made with it.

When I got home all sorts of things started going wrong. Builders had pulled down the wall at the back of my garden by mistake then I smelt gas in the front room and the gas board came round and cut the gas off because there is a leak in a bit of lead pipe. I can't get anyone out till Saturday but, looking on the bright side, that means it's chippy tea tomorrow. 

I had another little weep when I took the dog for a walk and I've been into my youngests house (next door) for a coffee. My eldest made us a jelly for after tea and she's arranged with social services for an emergency call system to be installed to contact relatives of she needs assistance while I am at work.

I'm finding myself very tired early in the evenings. I don't know if that's because of the grieving. I'm actually thinking of going to bed at 9 tonight though I probably won't fall asleep till it's dark.

[Soleil]

Hi Hubby,

Glad you were at least at work. I guess for a while you'll just have to assimilate yourself back. Don't know what to say about your house. Sounds interesting to say the least.  Grieving is truly exhausting but I think the strain of getting back to work is also part of your tiredness.  Enjoy your chippee tomorrow and hope it's a good day.

 

[rajahh]

You are dealing with many different problems at themoment, and I am sure they all add to your tiredness.

You did make me smile though when you said you would like the chance of making a mistake!!

You are doing really well even though you may not think so.

Jeannette

[Hubby]

Thank you both for the replies.

Today was much like yesterday. Drove to work, did next to nothing, came home.

I did make myself a wonderful salad for my dinner in work last night and actually remembered to take it out of the fridge but then set off for work leaving it on the coffee table at home. My head is so muddled nowadays I forget a lot of things. I've been out without my keys and gone shopping without my wallet countless times.

In work I did less than yesterday. I thought I had found something to do when it came to time to fill in my Timesheet. I rang the boss to ask what I should book my time to and he told me not to worry he would fill it in for me!  It sounds great being paid to just turn up (and even not turn up if the mood takes me) but I need a bit more structure to my day than that. Hopefully I can find something constructive to do next week.

Back at home I managed to get out with the dog between monsoon like downpours and me and my daughter sat snacking and watching telly for the rest of the evening so I didn't even do anything around the house.

I need to get my act together and get more done.

[Soleil]

Hi Hubby,

I don't mean to make light of the work situation (or maybe it's how you write it, especially about having something to do by filling your timesheet) - that does sound like easy work. Having said that, you will need more structure since going in and not knowing what you're doing really isn't a good idea. It sounds like they are just letting you get used to getting back in the schedule of showing up. I hope it eventually sorts itself out and I'm sure it will.

As far as being forgetful, that will all come back in time, just getting in the habit. Maybe try and find one place for the keys and wallet near or around the front door, like a big bowl and toss them both in. That's what I do with my cell phone, wallet and sunglasses so they are all in the same spot, my keys are always hung next to the door with other keys.

Anyway, hope you sleep well and have a good day tomorrow.

Sending another hug to congratulate you on your week back at work. 

[Hubby]

Thanks jakers

I'm doing more work at home than I do in work which is s complete about face.

Today hasn't been too bad as I've been kept busy. Long story but I now have gas and also a big hole in the living room floor. 

I was going to go to the grave but I haven't had a minute to spare. Tomorrow the church is having a memorial service for Margaret. I don't really want to go as I know it will be upsetting but all the family is going. I'll probably go to the grave afterwards.

Not too many tears today but twice I have called my daughter 'marg' by mistake which always gives me a shock. I only do it when I am pretty relaxed. I guess it's my brains way of reminding me that I should be grieving.

[Hubby]

Having a bit of of a lazy day today. I had a big cry in bed last night and I've been miserable since I woke up and don't feel like doing anything. It got the wood to fill the hole in the living room but can't be bothered fitting it.

I think it's the anticipation of the memorial service that's set me off. I've never been religious and I'm feeling a bit pressured into going. Maybe I'll take my daughters for a meal after it's over.