Four days

[Hubby]

Thanks Emz. I think I am making progress albeit slowly.

I got about five hours sleep last night without a tablet. I was a bit upset when I woke up but I got up rather than trying to get back to sleep. I managed a long phone call to a solicitor and went through some quite complicated stuff which I wouldn't have been able to do a few days ago. I then ran the lawnmower over the lawn to keep down the dandelions which seem to pop up overnight.

I then spent he afternoon playing with my grandson before a trip to the supermarket stopping off at Margaret's grave on the way back. I then puts chicken in the oven and took the dog out. All without breaking into tears once.

I know I'll have a little cry later when I am in bed but I feel I've actually functioned a bit today.

I know how fast things can turn around but so far it's actually been quite a good day.

I hope everyone else is having a similar one.

[Karena]

  it is true about the animals it was specifically research about Elephants grieving,but applies with other animals too.The phrase of returning to the lair to lick your wounds comes from this behaviour.
In the case of elephants a weaned orphan is guarded from a distance by the herd they give it space but let it know they are around and it after a while it will begin to do what it needs to do to survive,moving out to feed and returning too its hideout . Gradually spending more time with the herd standing on the outside but not playing for even longer.In a stable place like a reserve where there is no need to follow the rains the herd will continue to wait patiently.The baby gradually becomes part of the herd again maybe adopted by the matriarch or an auntie.Elephants don't dig graves but they will cover a body with branches and even with a mobile herd they will return to those places and stand for a while in the exact spot long after the body has gone.In the case of the orphan and a less mobile herd the orphan might stop off daily and the rest stand in a semicircle behind him and wait respectfully for him to decide when to move away again.My point with all this is that humans in our rushed lifestyles and impatience pile on pressure to not allow what is natural behaviour and that applies whether we are the Griever or a herd member.
You are starting to come out to feed and do what is necessarybut its perfectly OK to go back into the lair when you need too as well.

[Hubby]

Thanks Karena.

That all makes perfect sense. I do sometimes feel I need to crawl off somewhere to 'lick my wounds'.

Today I managed a bit of gardening and some cooking, took a trip to the market with my daughters and the dog during which we had a bit of a meal at a bistro. The day was OK until I was walking the dog along the local high street and I got the sudden feeling that Margaret was walking beside me. I don't know what triggered it but I walked the rest of the way home in floods of tears.

I'm OK now though and I'll probably make it to bedtime before I get upset again. Then again you never know.

Hope you all had a good day.

[Hubby]

Bad night last night.

After my call from the Samaritans I felt OK and quite positive so I stayed up and watched the bond film then went to bed with no tablet. I cried a lot and thought I may as well get it out of my system so started looking through pictures on my phone. The had the desired effect of making me sob so loudly I woke my daughter.

After sending her back to bed I cried a bit longer then tried to sleep. Just as I was nodding off I started to relive the events prior to her death in such vivid detail it was as if it was happening all over again but I just could not stop. This got me panicking and it was 6:30 am before I fell asleep. I woke at 11 feeling really scared.

I've calmed down now and I am hoping it was a temporary dip and the rest of my day goes as the previous few have.

[Hubby]

Today was alright once I got myself together.

I went to the grave with Billy for a walk and came back to do a bit of painting in the yard. Fish and chips for tea and my eldest went out to see Jason Donovan (she would have gone with Margaret but took a friend instead).

My youngest came round with her bloke and the grandson and we watched Eurovision. Just watching the voting now and then to bed.

The only tears were at the grave but there's still the nighttime session to come.

[Emz2014]

  xx

[Rosaleen]

Hubby,  you said you had a sudden feeling that Margaret was walking  beside you.
When I'm dog walking and  (usually) feeling extra low  I deliberately call up the image of George walking beside me, his arm around my shoulder. Yes  this makes me cry but he comforts me So I feel less low. I talk about  how I miss him , and in my mind he answers me. Again comforting me and telling me not to cry. I know he doesn't want me to cry for him. So I try not to. Don't often succeed but will have to try harder.

[Hubby]

Thanks for the replies.

I do talk to Margaret when I'm out walking the dog or at the grave, even around the house sometimes but there was something about Fridays feeling that caught me unawares.

I got to sleep without a tablet and without crying last night which is a first. I even felt OK when I woke up but not for long. Looking for something in the front room I came across a valentines card which knocked me a bit. I soon picked up and I've kept myself busy doing little odd jobs all day. Still loads to do to keep my mind occupied.

Oh. I've just realised. I haven't eaten anything all day. 

[Emz2014]

All little steps forward   
Make sure you have some dinner, even if something small. Will help you sleep better xx

[Hubby]

Thanks Emz.

I did eventually get some food than had a bath and watched the queens birthday celebrations.

Now to bed and, hopefully, some sleep without a tablet. 

[Hubby]

Again I managed sleep without a tablet. That's three days in a row. 

Most of today was wasted waiting for people to turn up to value the houses for probate. I had a few jobs to do but didn't want to start them till the estate agents turned up. Eventually they came at 3 O'clock. By the time they had gone I only had time left to go and do a bit of shopping and walk the dog.

My eldest had a bad fit at lunchtime and hasn't been able to do anything all day. I don't know how I am going to be able to care for her when I go back to work. I'll be working nights and asleep during the day so I'll only have a few hours with her.

I've not been too upset today. A couple of short cries. I'm not coping by any means but things are a lot more bearable. I hope I am not tempting fate by saying that.

[Hubby]

Another sleep without a tablet. That's four days now. I even had a pretty good morning, took my daughters for lunch at a local bistro and went to see the doctor this afternoon (he signed me off work for another fortnight).

Then a slump. I was perfectly OK one minute and even having happy memories of Margaret and I broke down crying. I can't even look at a picture of her now without starting again. I think the happy thoughts I was having made me realise how much I am missing her and will miss her in future.

I've had a few bearable days and I was sort of expecting this but it's still lousy. 

[Soleil]

Hi Hubby,
I'm reading your posts and I think it's great that you can give these details. It will help others who are going through it. Sometimes we forget that grieving is a daily job and you give great insight to it all. I hope your better days far outweigh the bad ones.
 

[Emz2014]

  xx

[Hubby]

Thanks for the replies

After a lot of crying yesterday I managed to sleep without a tablet again albeit in fits and starts. I was a bit miserable this morning but since then I've done a bit of cooking, a bit of shopping and walked the dog with no upsets. Nothing major, just plodding along.

I've bought a few pots and compost to plant up for the front of the house but, my head being muddled like it is, I forgot to get plants. 

Aah well there's always tomorrow.