Four days

[Karena]

  if you just scroll up this thread you can see how much better you're managing.Everyone has blips I do even after this time,and the missing doesn't go ,but the blips get spaced out a bit more and the missing can end in a smile instead of tears sometimes,you imagine the conversation you would have had when something happens that they would have laughed at or told you off for.

[Soleil]

I love that Karena, that is so sweet and true.
Blessings
  for both of you

[Hubby]

Thanks for the replies.

I can see that I am managing better even though sometimes it doesn't feel like it.

Today I had a little cry in the morning then busied myself outside taking afvantahe of some drier weather. Nothing too extreme but enough to keep me occupied. My eldest went to the pictures with her boyfirend and my youngest came round with hers and my grandson so I dug deep in my wallet and paid for their teas.

Another day without too much fuss.

I'll have my nightly weep of course but  my last big setback seems just a distant memory and I'm hoping my next will be quite a way off.

Hoping everyone else has good days

[Hubby]

I've  had an up and down sort of day. I was up at 5am to do a quick job at work and stopped at a supermarket to get some shopping on the way home. While doing it I forgot for a moment that Margaret was gone and put a blouse she would have liked in my trolley. It really upset me when I realised the only little presents I could get her now would be things I could put on her grave.

When I got home I busied myself painting until it rained. Normally keeping myself occupied keeps the upset in the background but today I have been sad pretty much all day. I can't help feeling that this week would have been the one I enjoyed more than any other in the year. The week I had Margaret to myself on holiday. It's tearing me apart that I am now on my own up a ladder with a paintbrush in my hand and I won't see her smiling face again.

My head is full of so many happy holiday memories but my heart is breaking because there will be no more. 

[Soleil]

Hi Hubby,

I agree up and down is the order of some days. I understand that you just forget that she is not there but when you are aware, you should be extra kind to yourself. Don't put more on your plate that day. Maybe a favourite treat or something special, an extra walk with the dog. Can't erase the times that were, but just to try and ease your way into them - that's about all you can do for now. There will be dates in the first year and for years to come, so as much as you can, be mindful that they are there and it may help buffer the pain. Sometimes you just need let yourself be sad. This is all part of it.

 

[Spaicer]

  feeling the same, laughing out loud sometimes remembering things especially talking to the kids but feeling so sad I can hardly bear it.
Let's hope it gets easier 

[Hubby]

Thanks for the replies. It seems I'm heading down again at the moment.

Last night I had what I thought was a brilliant idea. I still have all the photos from last years holiday on my phone so I thought I could go through each day's photos on the equivalent day and try to relive last years happy memories as if I was on that holiday. It made sense.

In reality it was horrible, like some kind of torture. Far from reliving happy times it just set me off on a spiral of misery. I ended up feeling so sorry for myself I didn't fall asleep till 7am. I've been up two hours now and I can't get myself motivated to do anything. I just want to crawl back into bed.

I'll be glad when this week is over.

[Hubby]

Well the day has been a complete write off. I have not done a thing not even walked the dog. I'm just feeling sorry for myself in between bouts of crying. 

I've come to bed now. Hopefully tomorrow will be a bit better.

[Spaicer]

Sorry you've had a rotten couple of days, these things seem to come in waves, hopefully things will be better for you tomorrow 

[Soleil]

Hi Hubby,

Well, you are bound to have these days that are a write-off. Don't despair - maybe it's a little early to be living through those memories so put them aside for now. They will still be there when you are more ready emotionally. It's a hit and a miss with emotions, sometimes we think we have a handle and they remind us how fragile we still are. 

You are still doing well even with the worst of the days.
 

[Hubby]

Thanks again for the replies.

Today was a bit better than yesterday. I had to get up early to let an electrician in the house next door but one. After that I made my daughter breakfast and set off on a bit of painting again to keep myself busy. I also did a little bit of garden work. In the afternoon my two daughters and me set off to arrange an inscription on the gravestone and to have it reinstalled but when we got to the stonemasons it was shut.

I can't say it's been a good day. Every time I sat down for a break I just started thinking how much I should have been enjoying my holiday with Margaret and I've had a fair few short cries. I have managed to keep busy most of the day though which distracted me a bit.

Another day done.

[Soleil]

There are no days that whatever you do is right or wrong whether it's thinking of Margaret, going about menial or challenging jobs or having a good cry. Even if you have a good laugh at something silly - don't deny yourself a bit of enjoyment along the way. These are all part of your new normal, inching your way along. 

 

[Emz2014]

The 'firsts' are always hard, and the first holiday is no different. Our brains are still processing the loss and at each circumstance realising what that means to us.

I go to Brixham in south Devon every year, has become like a bit of a tradition lol, (for a while we had easy access to a house which was cheap so we would do a few weekends) my dad would often come on hol with us as we all got on so well, my first time there after losing dad was hard. Everywhere I looked my brain seemed to realise something else about my loss.  Now time has passed I can see something and think 'aww if dad was here' and have a smile, and sometimes a bit of sadness  but the sadness not to the same degree (or as often) as the 'first' - there was also the happy memories

Sending a hug xx

[Hubby]

Thanks for the thoughts.

This morning I had a break from my week off with a course in work which filled in half the day.

I returned home this afternoon and the weather was poor trapping me in the house where I got myself all miserable again. I fell asleep at eight and woke about half an hour ago. I've been torturing myself with last years holiday pictures again. They should be happy memories but it destroys me to look at them. Even so I can't stop myself looking at them.

this could be a long night.

[rajahh]

When my daughter and grand daughter died they made bbc news and all the daily papers. I used to read the opinions of others into what had happened and tortured myself over and over. I became addicted to doing it and it broke my heart every time.

They are still there on the net and a few weeks ago I foolishly went back and looked again.

I wish I could erase them so I am not tempted but am trying to ignore the thoughts.

Try to leave those photos for  a while,  it won't be easy but it is possible.

Jeannette