BEREAVEMENTUK SUPPORT FORUM
Bereavement Support Posts => Introduce Yourself To Us All => Topic started by: “Kitty123” on March 11, 2020, 03:41:37 PM
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Hi there, I am new to forums and have no idea how to work my way around them so please bare with me. I lost my best friend of 27 years to Cancer last Thursday after a 3 year battle, she went quickly and it was a huge shock to me and I had no closure before she went. She had her stomach drained and then chemo again 2 days later, she wasn’t feeling too good and was taken to hospital and then passed 3 days later. I have cried continually since last Thursday and have literally got pain in my heart. I actually feel like my life has ended. I have a wonderful husband and daughter and a few great family members (not all of them), some I find some like to see me suffering, but as for friends I have a few but they are more like distant friends really and we aren’t that close. My best friend was my best friend, my sister, everything to me. I have never felt heartbreak and loss like this. I needed to somehow find out if there was anyway of reaching out on here, this forum to help me as I feel like my mind and heart is broken and I can’t seem to see any way of ever thinking I will have any happiness again. I suffer many painful physical health conditions and anxiety and depression and I don’t have the best health myself so do feel quite isolated a lot of the time. If there is anyone with some words of wisdom and some help with how I can get through this, I would be so very grateful!
I honestly think that if I didn’t think it would break the hearts of those dear to me I think I would have possibly given up on life. I am the kindest person and would never hurt anyone so this isn’t an option.
Is there anyone that is in a similar position or suffering the same as me and have you got any advice for me please. I am grateful to anyone that has taken the time to read my post. Thank you 😢 💕
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Hello Kitty and welcome.
i wouldn't have understood the pain you are going through right now until up to a few years ago with loosing a close friend myself and how hard it hit me.
We have some wonderful caring members here who I know will support you and give you a listening and understanding ear to unload all the pent up emotions, and answer the "if only's" that probably haunt you night and day in these very early days.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
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Thank you for your kind words. It is such a difficult time, I’m so sorry that you have had to go through the same thing that I am going through, I’ve never known pain like it. I’ve cried every single day since, I can hardly open my eyes they’re that swollen. I helped her through her C journey and was with her side by side. I’m lost when I forget for a minute and pick up the phone to call her or send her a message. I hope this pain eases, I just feel a huge hole in my heart. She was the kindest person I have ever known. I keep going from one emotion to the next, hysterical crying, anger and then laughing at the funny moments and memories I had with her and then crying again.
It would really help if anyone out there could help guide me in some way, or even give some advice on how to cope with the grief because I am struggling so very much, I feel so alone! I am a very kind person and always caring and giving to others but have found since this has happened that I’ve really noticed how many people around me and that know of my pain have not even reached out with some words of comfort or even practical advice about support groups etc. I felt very low this afternoon and used google to look for a bereavement forum, and thankfully here I am, and thank you ☺️
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hi kitty
I'm so sorry for your loss, everyone on here understands the pain you're going through, you don't realise how much it will hurt and how many tears you will cry, sometimes I think I'll never stop and it can happen anywhere, just walking or shopping, something will remind you that they're not here anymore, but they will always be in your heart and nothing can change that. Cherish the memories and hold on. Take each day and try and get through the best way you can and cry, let it out, and remember them always. It's your grief, no-one elses, you have a right to it. All the times you shared, good and bad, things you said or didn't but wished you had, all the memories of fun times, sad times will always be there, inside you, nothing or no-one, can take them away. You can get through this, you have to and one day you can see them again and know that it will be alright,
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:hug:It is really early days and this journey takes much longer than most of us ever imagine it will - all the emotional turmoil you are experiencing is normal - and people not reaching out is too, so many people don't know what to say -so say nothing it doesn't mean they're unkind people most are not, but they don't know how to approach you.
I have known people cross the road and pretend they didn't see me - but others do step up - and a lot of it is us too - the way we are conditioned - crying in public - and asking for help with anything emotional is a taboo of our culture so we put it on ourselves as well - we don't want to embarrass them - be a burden too them -ask for anything.yet in other cultures open grief is the accepted thing.
In a way maybe we push them away without realising as well - if an offer of help is an act of love, it is a gift and if some-one offers you a gift and you hand i back unopened then they are going to step away from you -turn it upside down - if some-one you knew was grieving then you would want to help but unless you know how it feels and actually even if you do, you maybe have no idea how to help, your grief is as personal to you as the relationship with your friend was. But some times people will say if there is anything i can do let me know - and we never do let them know -and they don't know whether they should "give us space" or whether there actually is something they could do - unless we ask.
I also found this forum by googling after my husband died - the year before my best friend had also died and a few before that my mum as well - my daughters were a long way away - my job wasn't exactly world saving -i also considered my life as being pointless and now there was no-one to turn too because the biggest supporters i ever had were all gone - and like you couldn't hurt others, but also i imagined that re union beyond the first recognition if there was any kind of after life - how long would it be joyful for long if i threw mine away after he fought for his - and also that conversation would be pretty short if i spent it doing nothing worth talking about - so i decided i would live my life for him -for them and everything that took me forward, he was behind even though he wasn't physically here . - it started small - planting native daffodils in a spot we loved, but it was a start to forcing myself forwards.
More immediately this place became a life line for me - having somewhere to write helps a lot and sharing what you go through with others does too - even if those others start out as strangers - actually it can be easier than talking face on to people who you know - but again that's me - we are all different and grief affects us differently -but so many times i came here thinking i was doing it wrong, or losing my mind and found not just sympathy but also some-one else who had been through the same emotions.
Its a roller coaster journey but there are stations along the way to take a breather for a while recoup recount recover step forward - and this place is one of those.
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Thank you Karena :hug:
Firstly I am deeply sorry for all of your loss, You have been through so much and to be able to have the strength to get through and then to help others on here going through something the same or similar is inspiring. I know right now I am struggling to look forward past the grief and loss, but now feel comfort knowing that this process is normal and that from what you have said little bits of focus and looking forward for them is how to get through. I have since it happened a week ago gone from Hysterical crying and then to anger and didn’t know if this was normal, “why has she been taken” when there are monsters out there, I realise that there is no logic or reason to why, it is just so.
I am processing your kind words and want to thank you for being kind ☺️
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hi kitty
I'm so sorry for your loss, everyone on here understands the pain you're going through, you don't realise how much it will hurt and how many tears you will cry, sometimes I think I'll never stop and it can happen anywhere, just walking or shopping, something will remind you that they're not here anymore, but they will always be in your heart and nothing can change that. Cherish the memories and hold on. Take each day and try and get through the best way you can and cry, let it out, and remember them always. It's your grief, no-one elses, you have a right to it. All the times you shared, good and bad, things you said or didn't but wished you had, all the memories of fun times, sad times will always be there, inside you, nothing or no-one, can take them away. You can get through this, you have to and one day you can see them again and know that it will be alright,
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Hi Knightingale
I’m so sorry I have replied twice and somehow it isnt showing my messages back to you. I still have no idea how to work this forum lol. I hope you received them. And thank you for your kind words.
Kitty ☺️
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Dont worry about posting mistakes - you will get used too it - we have all made them -and if needs be moderators can sort it. :hug:
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Hello Kitty, I am so sorry for your loss. :hug: What you describe sounds like a perfectly normal way of grieving. We do all experience most of what you describe at some point after a loss. I remember vividly not feeling that life had any point anymore and wondering if my own life had any value anymore, but I assure you it does. Two years into this new life, I am still here, still battling on and you do at least have your family to live for.
Loss is just such a massive thing to go through and it isn't like it lasts for a bit and then you feel better. It makes a different person of you that you have to learn to live with. Your world is forever changed and your outlook on life with it, so you not only have the loss of your loved one to deal with, but a new you, a new reality and an altered future. No wonder it feels like a complete catastrophe that has ripped your world from under your feet.
It does get better, but it's a slow journey and once you are a grieving person, you will always be that, even though you will have days when things are better.
Your friend will never really be gone from you because they will always be present in the love you go on feeling for them and in the gift of the memories they left with you and the little treasure of the time you had with them in your life. You will hear their advice or their laughter as you go forward in your life and wonder what they would have said in response to a question or request for advice or see something that makes you laugh. You will remember the good times you had when you revisit places you went together. They are part of you because you loved and treasured them, so they can never be gone from you entirely; you just can''t see them anymore.
I find grief is something you have to work to stop from overwhelming you and to do that you have to find things that help. For me, that is walking in the park and having flowers around, finding new interests to explore and distract me from it for a while. Living with grief is draining and you do need things to distract you for a while from it and help you look towards the future and see that you do indeed have one.
You can move forward from this Kitty, but you have to find the little things in life that help you do that and work at it. Grief doesn't just stop at some point. Sadness will be part of us as a result of loss on and off for the future, so you have to accept that, but also realise that there will still be better days and better to some extent, because of the good times you had with the person you lost that makes you sad. The good friend you had was a treasure to hold in your heart forever, not a reason to give up on life. Life is a thing that is ever changing and we have to hold on to the good things and count our blessings to give us the strength and optimism to be able to move forward with it and make it as good as it can be.
Not sure if any of this helps, but I hope it does. We who have known loss, know what you are going through and can tell you there is light at the end of the tunnel, but the journey is rough and painful, but there are better days ahead. Stay strong. Sending you an understanding hug. :hug:
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Dont worry about posting mistakes - you will get used too it - we have all made them -and if needs be moderators can sort it. :hug:
Thank you Karena ☺️ I really have no idea what I’m doing or where I’m meant to post. I think it’s probably that I’m not thinking straight at the moment either.
:hug: Kitty
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Hello Kitty, I am so sorry for your loss. :hug: What you describe sounds like a perfectly normal way of grieving. We do all experience most of what you describe at some point after a loss. I remember vividly not feeling that life had any point anymore and wondering if my own life had any value anymore, but I assure you it does. Two years into this new life, I am still here, still battling on and you do at least have your family to live for.
Loss is just such a massive thing to go through and it isn't like it lasts for a bit and then you feel better. It makes a different person of you that you have to learn to live with. Your world is forever changed and your outlook on life with it, so you not only have the loss of your loved one to deal with, but a new you, a new reality and an altered future. No wonder it feels like a complete catastrophe that has ripped your world from under your feet.
It does get better, but it's a slow journey and once you are a grieving person, you will always be that, even though you will have days when things are better.
Your friend will never really be gone from you because they will always be present in the love you go on feeling for them and in the gift of the memories they left with you and the little treasure of the time you had with them in your life. You will hear their advice or their laughter as you go forward in your life and wonder what they would have said in response to a question or request for advice or see something that makes you laugh. You will remember the good times you had when you revisit places you went together. They are part of you because you loved and treasured them, so they can never be gone from you entirely; you just can''t see them anymore.
I find grief is something you have to work to stop from overwhelming you and to do that you have to find things that help. For me, that is walking in the park and having flowers around, finding new interests to explore and distract me from it for a while. Living with grief is draining and you do need things to distract you for a while from it and help you look towards the future and see that you do indeed have one.
You can move forward from this Kitty, but you have to find the little things in life that help you do that and work at it. Grief doesn't just stop at some point. Sadness will be part of us as a result of loss on and off for the future, so you have to accept that, but also realise that there will still be better days and better to some extent, because of the good times you had with the person you lost that makes you sad. The good friend you had was a treasure to hold in your heart forever, not a reason to give up on life. Life is a thing that is ever changing and we have to hold on to the good things and count our blessings to give us the strength and optimism to be able to move forward with it and make it as good as it can be.
Not sure if any of this helps, but I hope it does. We who have known loss, know what you are going through and can tell you there is light at the end of the tunnel, but the journey is rough and painful, but there are better days ahead. Stay strong. Sending you an understanding hug. :hug:
Hi Sandra
Thank you for your kind words and giving me lots of positive thoughts. What you have written has really resonated with me and warmed my heart. I have been suffocating in grief and sorrow this week and could only see that this loss was my end, I couldn’t think past the grief to think anything remotely positive as if there could be a life for me after this. I have suffered grief before but with this being my best friend since we were young and someone that was in fact a sister to me and someone I communicated with daily without fail, I feel such a loss that I know will never be replaced. I think because the end was unexpected and out of the blue and so quick I felt no closure or time to say my last words of love and how proud I was of her, although I did actually tell her this each and everyday, but it didn’t feel right that I hadn’t said all the things that I would have if I’d have known it was her last day. I miss her so very much ❤️.
Thank you Sandra, your words have given me a lot to think about and most of all hope!
:hug: Kitty
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Hi Sandra
Thank you for your kind words and giving me lots of positive thoughts. What you have written has really resonated with me and warmed my heart. I have been suffocating in grief and sorrow this week and could only see that this loss was my end, I couldn’t think past the grief to think anything remotely positive as if there could be a life for me after this. I have suffered grief before but with this being my best friend since we were young and someone that was in fact a sister to me and someone I communicated with daily without fail, I feel such a loss that I know will never be replaced. I think because the end was unexpected and out of the blue and so quick I felt no closure or time to say my last words of love and how proud I was of her, although I did actually tell her this each and everyday, but it didn’t feel right that I hadn’t said all the things that I would have if I’d have known it was her last day. I miss her so very much ❤️.
Thank you Sandra, your words have given me a lot to think about and most of all hope!
:hug: Kitty
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Hello Kitty,
i am so glad my words have helped a bit.
I am sure if you were as close as you say, that your friend knew how you felt about her without you needing to tell her, but if you feel you didn't get a proper chance to say good-bye, the how about doing something that will help you do that? Some people write their lost loved one a letter and put it all in there. You don't have to post it or show it to anyone. You can leave it somewhere that was special to you both or just keep it safe in a memory box with other items special to you both. Writing does seem to get those feelings out and make you feel better, I find. I keep a diary and write down in there how I feel each day and a bit about the day I've had and now I read over the old entries, I can see how much I have managed to move forward and can see progress in how far I have come since I lost my mum, so it's useful to be able to see I've made progress too, as well as giving me an outlet for what I am feeling.
The other thing I find helps is to have pictures of my lost loved ones around. I still talk to these out loud daily! A bit mad maybe, but I feel like maybe they can hear me and I live alone so I have no one to tell me I'm being daft! I put together an album of pictures of my mum too and it helps to have that to look at when I am missing her too. It might make me tearful, if I am feeling lonely, but I will be smiling at the same time! Revisiting places we went together has the same effect and also helps me remember the good times we had together.
Maybe some of these things might help you too? I hope so.
Sending you a hug. Sandra :hug:
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Thank you Sandra
I’m sorry I didn’t reply to your message yesterday, I had a really bad day and could not function whatsoever, my heartbreak just didn’t allow me to get up let alone speak to anyone, I feel this dark cloud hovering over me, I can’t explain it! All of the things you have said I am going to do, I have already got so many pictures around my house of her and i speak out loud to her, I find it somewhat comforting and I do feel that she hears me. I think I am going to write the letter that you suggested and take it to a place that we both loved to walk, a pier near the sea, we used to go there and sit with a hot chocolate and watch the waves and enjoy the fresh air whilst she was battling her C, I would like to let my letter go off into the ocean (obviously not in a bottle due to polluting our oceans) and hope in my heart that she somehow gets it, I know this may sound silly but I suppose these are the ways that we try and cope with things and like you said find some comfort in.
I have a huge sense of dread for her funeral, I feel like I will cry and not stop and I cry so loudly and hope this doesn’t ruin the service. Also is it normal that I feel that the funeral to me means that she is really gone, and that is something that I’m finding it hard to get to grips with. I’m sorry if it sounds like I’m waffling, my mind just isn’t clear at the moment and I don’t seem to be able to express my words as I usually would.
My best friends wishes were for everyone to wear bright colours to her funeral and not the usual black, Both of us love red and she wanted bright colours so do you think red would be ok? I’ve just ordered a red coat and blouse, I’ve never been to a funeral that asks for bright colours, and with her being my best friend I would never want to go against her wishes.
Thank you Sandra for giving me so much help and kindness, I feel like this forum and people’s kindness is keeping me alive literally ❤️.
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Hello again, Kitty. I think we all have those days when we can't even muster the energy or enthusiasm to get up and can't feel any point to it. I know I did. I think if it will help you to write a letter, then do it and dropping it into the sea sounds a nice idea to me. It doesn't sound silly at all.
I think we all dread attending the funeral. It was my biggest fear too, but once it is over, I think you do feel a sense of finality and some closure. Your friend sounds like a strong and positive character wanting everyone to wear bright colours. Clearly she wanted everyone to celebrate her life and I love red. It's my favourite colour too and also the traditional colour to signify love - think of Valentine's day; red everywhere! So if you wear red, you will be signifying how much you loved her and I am sure she would approve of that choice, especially if it was her favourite colour too.
Don't worry about what you write or how you say it. That's what this forum is for, for everyone to express how they feel as best they can. No one thinks straight when they are in such a dark and unhappy place.
We are here for as long as you need us. Sending strength. :hug:
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Hi Kitty
Red is my favourite colour too!
What you have written really resonates with me as I lost my Mum in December. I too had already lost my Dad and I'm only 44. I feel exactly how you do. There are days I literally cannot function and nor do I want to. I've contemplated suicide because the pain is just too great, but I know she wouldn't want me to do that.
I managed to get through the funerals of both my parents but I honestly think we go on to autopilot. You do look back and think 'how did I do that?' I do remember thinking I couldn't go to either, or find the strength to prepare for either (the arrangements). But I did it.
My Mum's favourite colour was lime green. She had lovely green eyes (I don't know anyone with the same colour), so I wore green to her service. A lot of other people honoured her with bright colours as this was encouraged. Even the funeral director and the staff wore green ties which was a lovely touch, she would have liked that.
I don't know how to keep going either. I think what is making it worse is this Coronavirus is really depressing in an already very depressing time.
I'm not sure I'm much help to you but wanted to let you know I'm feeling the same way as my Mum was my best friend and I would give just about anything to have her back. Sending you lots of love. :hearts:
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hi im broken too and new to this xx
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Hi Sandra,
Thank you for getting back to me with your kind words and assurance that the way I am dealing with things are normal. I’m so happy that red is a colour that means so many lovely things. I think my best friend would be happy, and would probably be saying “ how much did you pay for it” haha! We have come up against a few hurdles the last few days due to the Coronavirus so everything has been scaled right back, just cemetery for family and very close friends. I have had another tough few days, but have taken your advice and written my best friend a letter, Infact it’s a bit of a poem, and my friends parents are actually asking if it can be put inside the coffin inside my best friends hands. This has given me such a warm feeling of closeness and that she will be taking with her some of my kind words that describe exactly what I thought of her and how special she a was to me.
I hope you are also doing ok Sandra, it is such a nice feeling to know that there are kind, caring and loving people out there that actually want to help people that are suffering loss and not coping well.
Sending you big hugs, Kitty :hug:
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Hi SarahB :hug:
Firstly I would like to say that I am so very sorry for your loss and for the pain that you are feeling. I am 43 and There is no feeling in the world like this and I can only say that I wish there was a way of us not feeling the pain, It does literally hurt so much it is physical. To lose your mum and your Dad I cannot even bare to imagine how that feels. I also have felt like the pain is too much and that suicide might have been a way of the pain stopping, but trust me that really isn’t what our loved ones would ever want for us. I do understand exactly how you are feeling and my loss is very recent too, the 5th March. Our loved ones would want us to thrive and succeed and to do all of the things that they can not do now and for you to live your life in their memory to the fullest. I am very glad that you have come to this wonderful forum that will help you through your grief and loss. I am a newbie here and have already felt such kindness and found comfort in the kind words of help and guidance from others that have suffered similar losses.
You are not alone, you have all of us here for support now. So stay strong, take each day as it comes, and use the wonderful memories and thoughts of your loved ones to get you through each day. You will cry, you will feel angry, you will feel lost, but you WILL find strength from taking help and support from people that have lived through what you are going through.
If you ever need to talk I am here, and so are many other wonderful people to get you through this Sarah.
Sending you big hugs :hearts:
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Hi KerrySmith
My name is Kitty, I hope you are ok. I am sorry to hear that you are feeling broken, I can only assume you have also suffered a very sad loss. Well done firstly for getting yourself on to this forum for support, there are many kind people here that are going through a bereavement , myself being one of them. You can share your thoughts, your pain and feelings on here. If you have questions or need any advice on anything feel free to ask any of us. To start to heal is when you start to share. When you talk about your feelings and what you are going through it really does take one tiny bit at a time of the pain away, although grief never really goes a way, there are ways of making it so that you get through each day so that the pain gets that little bit easier. This isn’t something that happens over night, I have literally been wearing the same clothes almost for a week where grief has just hit me like a bus. Grieving is different for everyone. Stay strong and reach out when you need to, talking to others really does help. I speak from experience.
Big hugs to you Kerry :hug: